Bowlin’, Bowlin’, Bowlin’…
Originally Posted on January 11th, 2008:
RAWHIDE!
Tonight I shall embark upon a perilous journey. In the post-smoking ban Illinois, I will attempt to enter the seedy underworld of leisurely sports known as the bowling alley.
Not being a regular bowler, this is usually a yearly event for me. 2007 was a lucky year–there was no bowling excursion. 2008, not so lucky. Whenever someone brings it up, I think,”Bowling. Sure, that sounds like fun.” Then, after I get there, I think,”GOD DAMMIT! Tricked again!” I never initiate it, you see. Instead, some well-meaning friend innocently suggests a Friday night out for a “Cosmic Bowl.”
For those of you who don’t know–or have friends who like you well enough not to ask you to go bowling–a cosmic bowl is what happens on weekends at about 10pm at bowling alleys across the country. More or less, you have to bowl in the dark. They turn out the main lights then turn on a combination of black lights, swirling dance lights, and occasionally a strobe light. There is always a disco ball. I wouldn’t recommend it for epileptics.
My predictions for tonight are as follows: I may break 100, but probably not; I will be blinded at least twice by an over-zealous dance light with a retina vendetta; I will contract a foot fungus through a rented pair of bowling shoes; I will drink to kill the pain.
It’s not all doom and gloom. I’ve come up with a few strategies to keep myself entertained.
- Ignore bowler etiquette. Nothing pisses off a league bowler more than walking right up next to them and lobbing your stone down the alley. Unfortunately, there are no league games during a cosmic bowl night, so I’ll have to hope I’m next to a really uptight casual bowler.
- Take forever to throw the ball. As much as I’ll want to get out of there quickly, it’s worth the extra suffering to covertly spread some thorns to my fellow bowlers. If I’m lucky, they’ll remember it next time they suggest bowling.
- Be absent when it’s my turn to bowl. This goes hand in hand with number two. There’s one in every crowd. Every time they’re up to bowl, they’re at the concessions stand, or in the bathroom, or at the bar, or saw a friend 30 lanes down and stopped to say hi. By choosing to be “that guy,” I get to deliver payback for the cumulative hours of my life wasted by waiting for others. Nine times out of ten, “that guy/girl” is the one who suggested we go out to bowl. You know it to be true.
- Find new and inventive ways to throw the ball. This one is pretty much a mainstay of my bowling outings. Sometimes I’ll try throwing with my left hand. Other times, I’ll squat down and roll the ball between my legs–sort of like “granny shot.” Facing the pins is optional. Finally, when the night is coming to an end, simply place the ball on the floor, give it a spin, then boot it down the lane. I’ve had strikes and picked up spares with this method. Unfortunately, it has never gotten me thrown out before the game was over. Tsk.
While I’m normally tricked into thinking bowling will be a fun time, this year I’ve come prepared. I’ll let you know how it turns out.