I had heard the name Keith Olbermann before, but have never bothered with his show on MSNBC, as I tend to prefer direct-from-the-source (CSPAN) and print media to media pundits. After discovering him and reading his stuff (then later watching him on his site), I feel bad about putting him in that category, especially since he doesn’t host a show with a “yell louder than the other guy” format.

The proprietor of the blog Grandma’s Attic and my partner-in-crime over on peoriaspeaks.com alerted me to one of his rants and, I gotta tell ya, it felt like I was listening to myself. Only a bit more elegant and experienced. Anyway, I’ve added him to my blog roll and strongly suggest checking him out and viewing his videos if you can. The fervor expressed just doesn’t translate well to print, and adds a layer of depth to what the man has to say.

That’s the sound my mind makes whenever my right hand hits the keyboard. Ladies and Gentlemen, I went roller skating last night.

I was with my best friend. He has a guest from Japan staying at his house and was out of ideas for how to entertain her in pre-spring Illinois. I, in my naive fondness of memory, suggested rollerskating. What my mind and body had apparently forgotten was that I hadn’t been rollerskating for the better part of a decade. For those of you who find yourself in a similar situation, here’s a tip sheet:

• Dress light. Rollerskating can be quite a workout!
• When choosing a pair of skates (or if you’re one of those “hip” people, blades), be sure to find a pair that fits snugly. You can’t trust your shoe size on this one. I normally wear a size 12, but after some trial-and-error had to switch to a size 11. The skates should be snug, and if you have a spouse or partner who is willing to trade foot rubs with you once the night winds down, all the better!
• Lace the skates as tight as you can! Make sure to pay attention to all the holes and notches for the laces to go through. If you find the laces are too big even after a double-knot, wrap them around the back of your skates then tie them in the front. The last thing you want, as I painfully discovered, is to have a rogue lace slip under a wheel. The main benefit of having your laces tied tight is not falling on your ass and getting run over by six junior-high kids. Also helps with ankle support/steadiness.
• Another thing, while it’s fresh on my mind, is to watch your language. If you curse a lot like I do, you may want to bite your tongue. Skating is a family-oriented activity. Tempted though you’ll be, do your best not to yell out “OH SHIIIIT” as you go flying into a cinder-block wall.
• Skate brakes are tricky. Because you must have the balance and coordination to tilt one foot forward (or, for roller blades, backward) to slow yourself to a stop, this may be a problem for some people. The trick is to make the brakes touch the floor lightly enough to make you gently slow down. What this means for the rest of us who don’t have a good sense of balance and coordination is that tilting your foot forward to make brake-contact with the floor usually ends up in a skidding, spinning, flailing descent to making full-body contact with the floor. I recommend flying into a cinder-block wall to stop yourself. It’s less painful and far less embarrassing.
• Balance is the key to proper skating. If there’s a concessions stand nearby, don’t go near it! There’s bound to be some sort of slick or sticky fluid spilled in the vicinity. Your flawless sense of balance doesn’t mean shit when your wheels don’t stick to the floor. If you’ve gained a belly between now and the last time you took to the rink, you’ll have to lean forward farther, which isn’t so good for people with back problems.  And, by George, bend those knees!. A girdle is recommended.
• Proper technique is paramount! When skating, do not attempt to walk on your skates. This doesn’t work. Instead, you should employ a sort of sliding motion, back and forth. If you’ve got bad hips, maybe you should hit the arcade instead.
• When falling, the best method I’ve found is to try to lower a knee in a sort of “marriage proposal” position, then slide to a halt, or a cinder-block wall. The success rate of this method depends entirely on your sense of balance–I only got it to work once. If you’re like me, falling flat on your back, sliding on your stomach, or landing in a “limbs-askew” position is the more likely course of action.
• Another important thing about falling is this: when falling on your ass is imminent, do NOT grab hold of your best friend’s hoodie in a desperate attempt to balance yourself. You will both fall and be run over by six junior high kids.
• If someone falls directly in front of you, I can tell you from experience that it is not in your best interest to attempt to lift one leg up to avoid running it into the fallen. You are going down; just let it happen.
• Do your best to hold your course and don’t be intimidated by people skating around everyone like a drunk driver weaving in and out of traffic. Chances are, they’ve had more practice than you and are thus unlikely to cause an accident.
• Finally, as an exception to the previous tip, when someone cuts you off on their way to the rink’s exit, thereby causing imminent ass-landings, it is against proper etiquette to try taking them down with you, but highly recommended anyway.

I hope this helps, and good luck out there!