National Institute of GOP Conservatives Eradicating Racism.
Or “NIGCER.” The NIGCER is a loose association of prominent Conservatives coalescing to destroy the image that Conservatives and Republicans are racists.
“It’s not the kind of image we want,” says Chairman I.M. White,”We want everyone to know that we’re not racists, and that we have black friends.”
Indeed, Alan Keyes, the only African American member of the organization has had a prominent role in the group’s promotion. His picture and likeness have been used on every single one of the Institutes’ billboards, commercials as well as its internet and magazine ads.
Board member Ivory Blanco claims she has been using this strategy for years during party events,”When we have a campaign rally, we instruct the camera crews to zoom in on any dark faces in the crowd. The strategy has really been quite successful in making black Americans think that we care.” When asked if Americans can truly believe that the Republicans care in this modern day and age, Ms. Blanco replied,”Of course. We care about getting every vote we can!”
After the furor that broke out over the confusion of their name, President Lynch made it clear that the “G” was silent. Referring to the proper pronunciation of the now-notorious acronym “NIGCER,” Lynch remarked,”Can’t we all just be nicer to eachother?”
“I know what this is about,” Lynch said while addressing the press earlier this week,”yet again, this is about the liberal hatred that consumes people so much that they believe everybody is racist, which Conservatives aren’t!”
When it was pointed out that Rush Limbaugh made basically the exact same comment during a monologue about a speech made by Senator Barack Obama, he coincidentally gave the exact same answer all conservatives seem to give when told that they’ve quoted Limbaugh verbatim,”I don’t listen to Rush. I agree with most of what he says, but not all of it.” Then exited the room with the song “My City Was Gone” playing from the overhead speakers.
This follows a previous charge of racism by groups such as the ACLU and the NAACP over a slogan used by the group which says,”I’m not racist, I own a colored T.V.!”
“We thought it would be better received, you know, like a joke,” admitted the council.
“We are being charged with something that hasn’t existed for half a century! The Civil Rights movement already happened, so race is no longer an issue,” said Chairman White in response to the allegations, citing a common perception by Conservatives across the nation,”Liberals benefit from racism because it helps their cause!”
After acknowledging that those words also “may or may not have been used” by Limbaugh, he went on to talk about how racism in America is raging against whites these days. “Affirmative Blacktion and welfare are a direct assault on the values of this country, and are clearly aimed at making white people scared to leave their homes and afraid that they’ll lose their jobs to someone because he’s black. Only by abolishing these things, which are the sole cause of the racial divide, can we go back to the way things used to be before blacks were given special treatment for everything.”
Asked by a young black reporter what this had to do with dispelling the myth that Republicans are hostile to African American interests, he replied,”Look, Puffy G Dogg or whatever your name is, if you people care about America, you’ll stop demanding everything and see things the way we see them. Bang! No more racial divide!” He then asked security to remove the “thug” because he was feeling “threatened.”
The NIGCER has recently declared its support of John McCain, who said he was “proud to be supported by a group that promotes diversity and understanding between races.” McCain, at the suggestion of board member Ivory Blanco, is currently in Nebraska posing with black families for photo opportunities.
Chairman White expressed concern,”Uh, well we didn’t say anything about diversity. We just want to make sure they understand us.”
March 19th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Satire-licious!
Jeez, don’t you have any trolls yet? I can’t wait to read the literal minded worldview they encompass.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I have one, but he/she hasn’t gotten to this one yet. So far, they’ve called me hateful, sexist, and suggested that dems don’t want to protect Americans. Lovely, isn’t it?
And there’s always Vonster.
March 19th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I thought I heard Bill-O say, “What the hell? Didn’t we already give them their 40 acres and a mule? See, we DID eradicate racism!”
March 20th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Nice, nice, nice! Funny, yet biting. It would make the Colbert/Stewart writers proud.
And if it pisses off Vonnie-baby, then it’s even better still.
You’re blog is now on my blogroll as well.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
WOW. And you guys say we’re mean.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Just fighting fire with fire, Vonster old chap.
Anyway, thanks for the kind words everybody. I wasn’t sure how this would go over when I wrote it. Honestly, I originally set out to write some commentary on Obama’s race speech, ended up writing a joke article instead, then changed my whole approach about two long paragraphs in. Just kinda pulled it out of my ass, so I appreciate the response.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
BEST. POST. EVER.
Wow, I think I’ll have to quit blogging, I just can’t live up to it!
March 20th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Fire with fire? So you’re guilty of all you accuse us of? Thanks
March 20th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Yes, Vonster, we’re going to discriminate against those darn blacks more than your side does. We’re going to hate them and the A-rabs so hard that it’ll make Imus and Mel Gibson look like a civil rights prodigies. Then, we’re going to continually lie about you and hire our own Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to spread the ignorance as far and wide as possible, but assure people that it’s alllll factual. We’re also going to use them to indoctrinate our brainwashed fanatics so that they endlessly make excuses for our shitty, lying, corrupt, war criminal politicians. War Crimes? Hell, we’re going to attack motherfucking CHINA, unlike you conservative pussies who go after third-world nations. We’re gonna warmonger like it’s the Apocalypse. Torture? Fuck waterboarding, waterboarding is for pussies. We’re going to peel off people’s god damn eyelids and burn their retinas with industrial farming chemicals. Like I said, we’re fighting fire with FIRE! We’re gonna have our own LOLcat that says “I can has totalitarianism?”
Note the sarcasm.
You know, you’re not terribly great at convincingly extrapolating what other people say.
Besides, satirical criticism is a far cry from shit like this.
Jen, quit pulling my leg :P
March 20th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Damn, you’re out trolling would be trolls ps!
March 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
Why did Barry have to lie about his grandmother?
http://isteve.blogspot.com/2008/03/obama-throws-his-own-living-grannie.html
March 23rd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
So what you’re saying is that because he didn’t list every single time she mentioned it or felt threatened (from our vantage point, it would be reasonable to assume that if she felt threatened by this one, she felt threatened by others), that makes him a liar? He didn’t write about every time he smoked pot or took a piss, so that must means he lied and didn’t actually smoke pot or piss or anything else, right?
I’m still not seeing the big lie in all this. As for the dumbass who wrote the blog, wow, again a conservative twists words and extrapolates meanings that weren’t there. Alert the press!
His pitifully deficient logic: Because the story in the book relates one time where a man begged for money, it means that no black men ever passed her on the street. Way to win, dude.
Funny how he accuses Obama of painting his grandmother as some seething racist, which he didn’t, then says she was a pristine saint with no prejudices whatsoever. But… he ignores where his grandfather says she’s been hassled by men before, AND that she confessed that this one was black, which is what made the difference. Whose grandmother is this again, because this guy’s acting like he knows her or something.
Once again, a conservative has no ground to stand on. Once again, a conservative lies. Par for the course.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:10 am
I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. Then again, you can condemn me for not sharing your worldview…
March 24th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Y’know, Vonster, being intolerant of intolerance is a good thing. Conservative worldview typically makes little room for people to be themselves and do what they want. It keeps them from liberty and things like that. Y’know, liberty? One of those things your party drones on and on about having, yet consistently denies or takes away?
Refusing to tolerate a homophobic, anti-ethnic, anti-black, anti-Muslim, anti-Arab, anti-environment, anti-worker, anti-science, anti-intellectual, anti-educational philosophy propagated by billionaire bankers and CEOs who use people’s faith as a political tool to manipulate them into doing what they want, then actually convincing them it’s what’s best for the country–it’s a good thing not to put up with that shit.
I’m starting to believe you Cons follow contorted logic to help yourselves sleep at night. You seem to be latching onto any twisted line of reasoning to justify your views. Our views, however, speak for themselves. We don’t need to twist anything. Try claiming that with a straight face.
Anyway, you’re wrong. I condemn your worldview. When I condemn a person, it’s like that blogger who is knowingly twisting things to fit into his narrow, bullshit ideology, or the troll who was on here insinuating that Democrats don’t want to protect Americans from harm, or with an amazing feat of spin, twisted my words to call me a sexist. Those people are scumbags. Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Hannity… These people* know they’re full of shit but do it anyway. That’s what I condemn.
And why shouldn’t I? Your side condemns “evolutionists” (as if it were a movement or organization) as being morally deficient atheists, condemns atheists for not believing in an invisible man in the sky, condemns other religions as being manifestations of Satan, and condemns gays–and this was actually said by one of McCain’s new fundie backers–as being less than human. Then, in typical paranoid fashion they condemn feminists as lesbians who are trying to subvert this country and turn it into a scary-word Communism. Not a day goes by on the Rush Limbaugh show where Liberals–not merely liberalism itself–are condemned.
But still, people are people. I was toying with the idea of writing an article on the topic.
* I didn’t mention Ann Coulter on purpose, as I believe her to be batshit insane and eligible for institutionalization. Crazy people can’t help it.
March 24th, 2008 at 9:28 am
You’re right. What was I thinking? I’m going to join the communist party tomorrow. Thanks for straightening me out. ;-)
March 24th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I’m not an evangelical liberal, dude. Besides, Stalin had leftist economic policies. Hitler had right-wing economic policies. Both were social totalitarians. So really, if you want to talk in extremes and absolutes, you should be joining the Nazi party, not the Communist party. Hopefully it’s sans Jew-killing.
*sigh*
Vonster, you can play your little violin for being picked on by the big bad Liberals, but you’re not buying any sympathy from me.
Really though, Communism? You chide me for hyperbole, yet Conservatives say anyone to the left of Bill O’Reilly is a commie? That’s thick.
To me, Communism as an ideology has its merits. It looks great on paper. In practical use, it doesn’t work and will never work. Such is the corruptive nature of power. What we ought to be doing is taking the good ideas that work and use them instead of condemning the whole package. We’ll be like the fat kid who orders a salad and only eats the croutons.
Besides, Liberals are nowhere near communism anyway. To be communist, two conditions must be met: authoritarianism and leftist economic policies. Most economic policies in this country are decidedly right-wing on both sides of the aisle. Personally, I’d prefer if they were far more to the left, since business, like government, shows us over and over again that it can’t be trusted.
Really, you’d benefit by not seeing everything in black and white. It’s not Liberal and Conservative. It’s not Right and Left. Hell, I’m a fiscal conservative, something your party hasn’t been able to claim with a shred of honesty since the last time the Democrats controlled both houses of Congress and the presidency. I’m a social liberal. I’m also an economic leftist. The three of these are compatible.
Saying I’m any of these things, however, doesn’t make me a hardliner. For instance, I think people ought to be able to own and carry guns, with proper registration. I also think affirmative action had it’s time and is now obsolete. I’m against endless bureaucracies and all-encroaching big brother type of government, something conservatives also claim to be against but don’t follow through on. Just like anti-interventionalist policies, which I’m mostly in favor of and conservatives say they support but don’t.
Hell man, I’ve got more of a right to claim the title of “conservative” than you do!
To wrap this up, since I REALLY didn’t intend on writing anything more than the first paragraph, when I say people who ascribe to “conservative” or “liberal” labels and can’t think outside of those terms are closed-minded, that’s where I’m coming from.
March 24th, 2008 at 10:54 am
So I should join the Green Party?
March 24th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Smartass. Where’s your fight today?
March 24th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
My nerves are shot. I just can’t take being condemned for not sharing your world view anymore. I feel like the Night Rider after he played chicken with Mad Max. I capitulate.
March 24th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Do you know where I can sign up to work on the McKinney campaign?
March 24th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Hold on, let me dig out my violin for you.
March 24th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Where’s your compassion?
March 24th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Ask Bush. I hear he had a monopoly on it back in 2000.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Snarky but no answer.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he’ll vote Republican.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
No, Republicans take the fish from the guy who caught it and claimed he’d get whatever was left on the bones when he was done with it then said it was the American way. Pretty much how Reagan’s “trickle-down” economics works. Isn’t that about the size of it? In the ballpark?
Mm-hmm.
Besides, what’s all this about teaching? The “educational establishment” and so-called teachers are the ones poisoning our youth with their immoral, liberal ways, right?
March 25th, 2008 at 7:12 am
Instead of teaching - correct.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:49 am
Delusional cold war paranoia. Anyway, this thread is draining my writing time, so if you want the last word, wrong though it will probably be, go for it.
I notice you didn’t disagree with my example of Reaganomics. I win, yet again.
March 25th, 2008 at 9:49 am
It’s part of my new outlook. Oh Dennis where art thou?
March 25th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
BTW, I forgot to compliment you on the original post. It’s exactly the kind of juvenile hyperbole that will win we neosocs and neocomms the election this fall.