You read that correctly.

I’ve had a hell of a clog in the drain in my kitchen sink. I’ve tried scraping, plunging and draino-ing this thing out, but it’s just not happening. I mentioned this to a co-worker who immediately suggested I take it to the next level.

Sulfuric acid is what he recommended, having used it once in his own house. He said I would have to be careful with it, and to try not to use it on a full sink of water… something to do with sizzling and splashing acid, I don’t recall.

I stopped by ACE Hardware on my way home from work. Lincoln actually has a gigantic ACE in town. It’s easily the size of three Walgreens put together, maybe larger. Off in the distance, I see what I’m looking for.

Apparently this stuff is so toxic and so erosive that selling it in a plastic bottle isn’t enough. They take it a step further by loosely sealing a plastic bag around it.

I got home and prepared myself: protective eye goggles, rubber gloves with plastic garbage liners over my arms, and a big, ratty towel covering my face and tied behind my head. I was ready to do business.

The process itself was fairly straightforward. Wear protective gear, open bottle, pour, cover drain with pot or bucket. Let sit for 4 minutes, then rinse with water for 2-3 minutes. Open a window. Done deal.

What it didn’t mention was the sink backing up in a watery-sludgy-sulfury cocktail while this stuff did it’s magic. My co-worker forgot to mention the overwhelming stench that comes with it. The air was heavy with sulfuric odors when I realized something: the storm windows were still on.

OH SHIT! Being a new homeowner unfamiliar with the various aging parts of my house, I kept looking for a way to open the damn things. Then I got a got a bright idea.

I ran out to the garage and grabbed a screwdriver from my toolbox. I came back and proceeded to take the whole damn window off the front of the house so I could figure out how it opened. Halfway through this embarrassing endeavor, the mother-in-law shows up with the boy. I fetch him, and put him in a stroller on the front porch while I carry on with my absurd little mission.

Aha! There was a small set of switches near the bottoms of the windows. Time to put them back on and start clearing the air.

Meanwhile, odor was pouring out of the hole where my window once was. Behind it lay the sink full of bubbling, backed-up stinkwater. I started to put the window back in place, screens-ready, only to find that the bastard won’t fit! By now, the boy is getting impatient and rocking back and forth while making “hurry the hell up” noises. After a few adjustments, I was able to slide the stubborn window back into it’s slot and hurry inside to open the rest of the windows in the house… and turn on every fan… and refill my fan-powered Glade Plug-Ins.

So here we are, an hour later. The only room in the house that doesn’t smell like a chicken with leprosy took a shit in it is my basement office, whose door was fortunately closed the entire time.

Anyone out there know a quicker way of getting the smell of sulfur out of a house, or at least something powerful enough to mask it?  My wife is going to be thrilled when she comes home from work.  Help prevent serious domestic abuse by bailing my ass out on this one!

Tearch, if you read this, I think I’ve caught whatever you’ve got.

I was recently in a discussion with someone over at the pundit about Obama’s educational program. The title of the article was asinine: “Obama education policy bad news for science.” The blog was based on a bullshit article, which is on website known for its right-wing bullshit.
The discussion started as “his plan is bad” in vague terms and eventually led to how Obama is trying to kill the American Dream and wants us to regress and let our enemies beat us in every contest. More bullshit.

Side note: the person I was discussing this with has my respect, if not for his opinion then for his cool-headed methods of expressing it.  As a rule, people who are able to stick to their opinion without twisting what you’re saying into something you’re not saying are generally easier to have a discussion with.  If he had a blog, I’d link it.

Curious as to what the opposition had to offer, I visited John McCain’s campaign website to see what he had to offer and compare it to Obama’s. I didn’t expect to discover there is no comparison.

It reads like a tri-fold pamphlet, whereas the outline for Obama’s plan is far more comprehensive. I was reading through the page and thought to myself,”does this guy even have a plan?” It tells what McCain believes, but doesn’t say anything about what he intends to do, except in the vaguest of terms.

“Place parents and children at the center of the education process.”

What? What does that even mean?

“As president, John McCain will pursue reforms that address the underlying cultural problems in our education system - a system that still seeks to avoid genuine accountability and responsibility for producing well-educated children.”

Okay, which ones for which ones? And furthermore, this is a grand misunderstanding of the role of a school. It’s not a degree factory. You still have to be a good parent. Schools can’t do it all.

The only thing that this page seems to say is “we want school choice. Yay NCLB.” The rest is padding.

Obama’s, on the other hand… well, see for yourself.

While I don’t agree with cutting funds to NASA and over-meddling in their space program (which is what prompted the pundit article), and have a few reservations about certain areas of the program, overall it’s pretty solid.

Maybe when John McCain figures out how the economy works, separate Sunni from Shiite, and figure out Iran’s actual role in Iraq (hint: it isn’t Al Qaeda), maybe he’ll get around to learning how the educational system works so he can have one of his aides write up something that sounds good.

Ingredient: Catharsis

Y’know what word pisses me off? Synergy. It means “combined action or functioning.” By itself, it sounds like a neat word, doesn’t it? The problem I’m having is with how it’s used, how much it’s used and who is using it. If you read magazines such as Forbes or CEO or perhaps even the Wall Street Journal, you’re probably familiar with it.

This is one of those office go-getter buzzwords you see kiss-ass corporate sales and marketing representatives use when pitching an idea to their clients and business partners. Chances are, they wouldn’t even know the word if they hadn’t heard their promotion-whoring dickwad co-worker chanting it like a mantra. Kind of like those people who use any chance to say the word “corporate” when talking about their company’s HQ. “Gotta call corporate.” “Corporate just called.” Seriously, you’re not that important, go to your desk and we’ll find you if we need to.

I can see “synergy” being defended as more efficient than, say,”let’s use our creative energies together to achieve a common goal.” The fact is one sounds sincere, and the other makes you sound like a tool. Can you guess which?

Synergy has another definition as well: “the cooperative action of two or more stimuli or drugs.” Yeah, coffee and testosterone.

Ingredient: Gloating

Remember Fundie Week? Rolling Stone just ran an article about journalist Matt Taibbi (one of my RS favorites) joining a southern megachurch and infiltrating a weekend revival. Not only did it validate everything I’ve said on the matter, but agreed with my basic premise of criticism: there is no reasoning with these people.

Though this one was marginally more eccentric, I recognized the format from churches I’ve visited in Peoria. Casting demons out, speaking in tongues, etc. After reading the article and reflecting on what I had witnessed time and again while still undergoing my ideological incubation, I cannot help but agree:

“The thought that any politician could claim this kind of experience and not be immediately disqualified from public service seemed utterly terrifying.” — Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone

If anyone is curious, this article takes place in the church of controversial pastor John Hagee. Not intentionally–the article was in the works before he made his endorsement of John McCain. But Bush has been a longtime buddy.

Ingredient: Befuddlement

Why is it that Obama support is written off as sensationalized “Obamamania,” as if it were some passing fad, while Clinton support is not? Last I checked, Obama was only ahead by maybe a few percentage points. That seems pretty even to me, not a landslide of a hyped-up candidate caused by the overzealousness of fanatics.

At this point, I’m not sure if it comes from the Clinton camp (Ferraro saying he’s very lucky to be who he is) or the Wrong-Wing Radio/Faux News camp. I’m fingering the latter this time. This is the same group that marginalized him as a “halfrican” and refer to any criticism of the administration as BDS. Since they’re so experienced with incorrect labels, they’re the most likely suspect.

Any thinking person can come to the conclusion that “Obamamania,” not Obama, is what is being hyped by doing nothing more than looking at the numbers.

Ingredient: Ridicule

Speaking of Radio, I noticed something about Rush Limbaugh that I’d missed previous times. He often refers to his show as the “Limbaugh Institute of Advanced Conservative Studies.” Anyone who has an inkling of what “conservative” meant pre-Bush and what people are calling conservatism these days knows that conservatism is truly dead. The result has been unquestioning support of the Republican party, regardless of how non-conservative they actually were.

Since there’s no such thing as a mainstream conservative (I call them other things) in the year 2008, we need to change the name to the “Limbaugh Institute of Advanced Republican Studies.” Or, LIARS. This name is a million times better, and apparently somewhat original too. I googled it and found only one hit.

EDIT — The reason there was only one hit is because I got the original quote wrong.  It’s the “Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies.”  Anyway, I’m still pleased.  Google only gave 22 results for the correct LIARS acronym.  Still, not bad.

What is it that fuels the Clinton campaign? Is it the constant, uninterrupted string of negative campaigning, which has been going on from day one? Is it the fact that she’s older, or that she’s a woman? Is it her perceived level of experience? Is it because of her husband? Is it because Barack Obama is black? As it turns out, it’s all of the above.

Be sure to whisper the word “black” as it appears in italics throughout this blog. Y’know, like you do when you’re talking to your white friends. Let’s take a look at the linked article to see what the typical, older Clinton supporter has to say:

John Peterman, 85, a former Navy engineer, said he supported Mrs. Clinton because “the world is not ready for a black president.” His wife, Mary, 81, agreed with him.

Wow, I’d think I was eating candy from all the sugar-coating in that statement. That is, until I bite down and realize I’m eating a fried puke-and-shit burrito. Blech!

There is only one thing “the world is not ready for a black president” means. It’s really another way of saying “a black man can’t win,” which is a polite way of saying,”I wouldn’t vote for a black guy,” a naked admission of racism. Before rolling your eyes, notice how his policies never come up when people make these statements.

What sickens me about it is that Clinton uses this to her advantage, this bigotry. Notice how she’s never come out and said,”No, he’s not a Muslim,” or how she never sufficiently distanced herself from Geraldine Ferraro, who was allowed to call Obama everything but a nigger without being condemned by the Clinton campaign.

Our next idiotic statement:

Arla Hacker, 49, a bank teller, said she also liked Mrs. Clinton because she had Ms. Hacker’s economic interests at heart. “The people who are 18 and 20 years old don’t know what it’s like to sit in a gas line,” she said. “Kids today don’t understand how tough it is. Obama just talks about it.”

Better than ignoring it. Obama talks about issues. Maybe you should listen to him some time. Clinton, on the other hand, talks about Obama, and how she’s one of you. She just knew it would come down to Texas, because Texas is soooo important. She’s got family history in Pennsylvania. She’s got Jewish roots.

Anything it takes to win, eh Hill?

This statement from Ms. Hacker is rich all by itself. “Kids today don’t understand how tough it is.” On a day where my bullshit detector might be set to low, I might have caught myself agreeing with this. Still, I would have eventually realized she was talking about my generation.

If we forget that gas is the highest price it’s ever been while the value of the dollar is now lower than the Canadian dollar… if we forget that the unemployment rate continues to rise, that the housing market crashed, that college tuition takes a lifetime to repay–if one can afford it in the first place. If we ignore the rising price of groceries, exorbitant energy costs and rising costs of living across the board, or this country’s insane healthcare system… while ignoring the fact the the United States is at the lowest point it has ever been in world opinion while people are afraid of being shot on their way to class, or in the mall, or being blown to pieces while waiting for a subway and worry constantly about loved ones serving their country in an illegal war of profit and aggression under the most corrupt and secretive administration in the history of the U.S… then sure, we don’t know a god damn thing you fucking idiot.

Yeah, we know it’s hard. Enjoy your cushy little job at the bank while the youth of this country works its ass off to barely make ends meet, then gets laid off while the company they worked for earns a massive profit.

Noel Stein, 72, and his wife, Judy, 67, both like Mrs. Clinton. Mrs. Stein said she liked her “because she’s a woman” and Mr. Stein said he liked her because of her husband.

I don’t want to jump on this with sexism accusations because women ought to be excited that Clinton has gotten this far. But to list that as your primary reason is pretty shallow. Her husband, obviously, is an idiot. There’s just no excuse for him.

“If I was in my 20s, maybe I’d support Obama,” said Germaine Donahue, 64, who lives in Sullivan County, in northeastern Pennsylvania, and helps run a cleaning service. “But life tempers you. I’m with Hillary.”

Ah yes, the tried and true “I’m older, therefore I’m right/you’re younger, therefore you’re wrong” argument. Not only is this one insulting, but it lacks merit.

“Barack Obama has no experience and no plans. He just works on emotions, and this is why young people like him,” said Kimberly Romm, 44, who is self-employed and heard Mrs. Clinton speak at Haverford College. “People who are more mature analyze things. They’re wiser.”

Another “I’m right for no other reason than for my age” argument. I guess that makes Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld smarter than you, since they’re older and therefore right.

See? It’s not a great argument.

It’s time to acknowledge that the older generation has failed us all. It is time for something new.

How’s this for working on emotion: As many as 28% of Clinton supporters would vote for McCain if Obama gets the nomination. Of Obama supporters, the people who are truly “more mature” and “analyze things,” only ten percent would vote for McCain.

The Clintonian reputation of divisiveness is not an exaggeration. Her people have made this personal and gave up all sense of reason in the process. Now, it doesn’t matter if Hillary is hurting the Democratic party. It doesn’t matter that she resorts to negative campaigning while Obama takes the high road. It doesn’t matter that Bill Clinton said he’d vote Republican if Obama gets it. It doesn’t matter if they intend to doom us to 4-8 more years of Bush’s disastrous policies. Now it’s about winning, forget principle.

This will eventually erode into a shouting match between us. On my side of the fence, Obama supporters who are fed up with idiot Conservatives and idiot Clinton supporters. On the other, Clinton supporters who don’t care that they’re fucking up the country as long as the (don’t forget to whisper) black guy doesn’t get nominated. Jerry Springer will moderate.

I’ll go first: SHE A HO!!

Trying something new…

Peoria is a cosmic, gravitational nexus of incompetence on the road.

This morning on my way to work, I was following my usual route making good time. In accordance with Murphy’s law, I ended up behind two semis. The one in front of me was carrying a tractor and two, big-ass tires on a flatbed. For the speed he was going, he definitely should have been in the right-hand lane instead of pacing along blocking traffic. The second was carrying something else, don’t remember what, but was considerably smaller. He was in the right-hand lane.

We’re cruising down I-74 Westbound coming up on the Pinecrest Drive exit. I’m muttering curses under my breath over having to be stuck behind this dumbass when all of a sudden… BOOM! The next thing I know, I’m dodging all kinds of shit flying through the air and bouncing off the road spraying my car with shattered debris. The sonofabitch truck I was just grumbling about apparently mis-measured his load and hit the overpass. *slaps forehead*

So I’m braking and swerving, and about a half a mile up the road we all pull over. I stay in my car to call into work to tell them what happened and let them know I’ll be late. The guy in the smaller truck was in front of me, and in front of him, Mr. Dumbass was inspecting his cargo. To hell with the rest of us, he had to verify his stupidity (or, to be fair, the stupidity of whoever told him his load met regulations.

The guy in the smaller truck went to make sure he had a cell phone to call it in. Instead, he says he’s going to take off. Smaller-Truck relayed this to me (as I had finally emerged from my car at this point) after asking if I was alright. Dumbass leaves. Small leaves.

With an inflamed sense of “fuck that” I get into my car and merge back into traffic once I get an opening. I call the police, give them my work number and a description of the truck and the location of the incident. “Did you get the license plate number?” No. I was too busy dodging pieces of farm equipment. “Did you get the color?” No, I was behind it, dodging pieces of FARM EQUIPMENT. Really though, the dispatchers were helpful and to-the-point, so I’ve got no complaints with them. My chagrin is directed at Mr. D.

After talking with the police, I resume my normal route to work. The light at the next intersection turns yellow. Again, according to Murphy’s Law, I’m nowhere near close enough to make it, so I put on my brakes. Then, according to Peoria’s Law, the bastard riding my ass (I’m no slow driver, by the way) slams on his brakes, damn near rear-ends me, pulls around me to the right–into a turn lane–then proceeds to run the red light I was stopped at. What are the freakin’ odds?

I haven’t had a chance to survey whatever damage the car might have incurred in today’s roadway shitfest, but I’m planning on looking it over once I get a smoke break. Good thing my insurance is paid.

…apparently forgot to renew his domain name.

Bill, this Bud’s for you:

Might as well update this with what I had in the comments, since they basically tell my theory on what happened.

A) He let it expire on accident. I don’t think it would be on purpose, as he gave no indication that he was leaving the blogosphere.

B) Some scumbag ad company picked up his domain as soon as it had expired and want to charge him exorbitant amounts to “buy” it back from them. This would probably have to be settled in court, as is usually the case with scumbag companies.

C) Someone “hacked” his site by using a scumbag registrar to pick up the domain the very moment it expired, similar to what happened with Al Jazeera after the dead U.S. soldier photos controversy. This isn’t really hacking–it’s fraud.

D) He just didn’t pay the bill.

—

I checked the whois information, and the contact for the domain is the same as of 10:40am today. The domain was set to expire on the 14th (Monday), but is marked as updated on the 15th. Now it is not set to expire until 4/14/2009.

I guess the real answer to what happened lies with Mr. Dennis. If he registered using enom.com, he should be in the clear. If he didn’t, well, looks like someone else did.

UPDATE:

Upon further investigation, it seems his site WAS snatched up by one of these scumbag ad companies, called nuseek.com. They have almost 85000 other websites registered under their IP.

Bill, if you need some temporary hosting, I’ve got plenty of space. You’ve got my email address.

This entry now falls into another category: scumbaggery.

UPDATE:

Bill has the story on how it went down here.

But it looks like I was right–the domain expired and some scumbag company picked it up.

UPDATE:

Yay, a happy ending!

Last week was an interesting exercise in what happens when you’ve got too many irons in the fire. When I was first inspired to do “Fundie Week” I had a clear idea of which topics I wanted to discuss and a general idea of what I wanted to write about them. Fortunately most of it was completed. Four out of seven isn’t too shabby considering the timeframe and length of the entries. Overall, I’m happy with how it turned out.

The next time I attempt a themed week I’m going to try having 90% of it done beforehand. Last week there were a number of things working against me. I was stuck with the after-hours phone Monday through Sunday. This usually involves a nightly work session ranging between twenty minutes and several hours. Sometimes it doesn’t ring at all (something I’ve taken advantage of). Then there’s the issue of taking care of/entertaining happy-baby, or else facing the wrath of anger-baby, all while trying to keep the cats fed, the house clean, the dishes done, dinner ready, yard mowed, yard raked (lots of big trees) and continuing to wage the everlasting war against dirty laundry… all while working on my blog, keeping up with my reading and other studies and trying to find some time with the wife (when she’s off work) and attempting to get a little R&R or entertainment for myself–I’m currently half-way through Season 1 of House MD while waiting for Battlestar Galactica Season 3 to make its way to Lincoln. And we’re not even fully unpacked from moving in November! Then… there’s the planned/rumored/work-in-progress radio show.

*huff*wheeze*deep breath*

Honeybees aren’t this productive.

The rest of the stuff I had planned on writing about will have to wait. What I think I might do is space it out to coincide with each additional time the neighbors try Jesusing me, something I assure you will happen again. They will be gotten to eventually.

Anyway, time to get back to the kind of eclectic/political bitchfest native to blargen.com. Hope you enjoyed FUNDIE WEEK 2008.

Dumb. Ass. Fundies. That answer your question?

Really though. These people are so intent on spreading their narrow version of Christianity that they forget to actually, y’know, act like a Christian. One of the biggest mysteries of fundamentalist thinking is that voting Republican and maintaining a neo-conservative philosophy somehow equates to Christ-like behavior.

The Republican Party has been getting the Fundamentalist vote for years. I could attempt to make them look like total loons by acting as if there’s some big mystery behind the phenomenon, “who knows why they would ever vote for a Republican considering x, y and z.” But I know why and so do you.

Abortion is the number one reason why fundies choose the Republican Party. They see it as killing innocent babies. As a Humanist, I agree that abortion is an ugly thing, something we should acknowledge with shame. Also, from a Humanist perspective, I believe that if there are means by which to end or avert human suffering, we ought not dispose of them. In my opinion, the largest loss stemming from the practice of birth-control abortion is the sacrifice of responsibility on the altar of hedonism. Moreso, there are certain instances when even a fundie can justify the procedure. Suffice it to say, I understand why this is an issue and, you should know, I typically refuse to take part in abortion discussions and rarely state my opinions on it because I do not see it as a morally black-and-white issue.

Second to abortion is the issue of Gay Marriage, which is really a non-issue since nobody is requiring a church’s blessing in creating a civil union, which makes it a civil rights issue instead of a religious one–and, now that I think about it, really makes the phrase “gay marriage” sort of a misnomer, doesn’t it. Thus, we can conclude, the only reason they’re still against it is because of bigotry, not the sanctity of their Religion. Otherwise they’d be pressing to make Islam and Hinduism and all other “false religions” illegal, since “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” This one is pretty black and white.

(Yes, I realize that they both worship the same god. Fundies may not be aware of it, but even ones that do know that Yahweh, Jehovah and Allah are all the same guy, they typically won’t admit it and denounce Allah as false. DAF.)

Two issues keep the fundie vote in the GOP. Of course, like most issues that are pivotal for the politically naive, these are little more than campaign platforms to be re-elected on. Rarely do you see any of these “pro life/sanctity of marriage” candidates actively pursuing the issues which got them elected.

There are a few bible verses that one could use to justify their pro-life stance based on their religion. Civil Unions, on the other hand, aren’t mentioned. All the good book really has to say about homosexuality is “don’t be gay.”

Now let’s take a look at all the reasons why fundamentalists shouldn’t support the Republican party. Who wants to make bets on whether there are more reasons to vote against them?

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” - Mark 10:25

The bible mentions that Jesus is a consistent supporter of the poor. When it comes to who gets into heaven, he clearly states that the rich are less likely than the poor and yet… fundies still vote Republican. The GOP has consistently been the party of the wealthy and the party of big business. They have been consistent in anti-worker, anti-poor policies and tax cuts which give the top 5% earners disproportionately large breaks when they don’t need the extra money in the first place–they’re already friggin rich! And Republicans, good Christian Republicans, attempt to block any legislation that benefits the other 95% of society if it threatens to cut into the profits of the upper crust.

“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.” - Matthew 6:5

If fundies interpret the bible as literally as possible, why do televangelists continue to prosper, and why do “Christian values” politicians who pray in public and make a show out of their faith continue to get elected? In a previous Fundie Week entry, one commenter complained on being challenged on her faith, even though she confessed it. I characterized it as a holy pissing contest. Jesus says: “Ye who try to out-holy thy neighbor, fuck thee off.”

Maybe he didn’t put it that way, but he did make it pretty clear that there is not to be competition in this area. There might be an exception when it comes to doing good deeds for the sake of doing them.

The most compelling argument against Christian Republicanism originates from a familiar Christian saying: What Would Jesus Do? So fundies, I’m going to wrap this up with a list of things you ought to ask yourself before going to the polls this November. Ready?

Torture: WWJD?
Pre-emptive War: WWJD?
Driving people into poverty while the rich prosper: WWJD?
Ignoring the needs of the poor: WWJD?
Death penalty: WWJD?
Jailing people without trial: WWJD?
Lying: WWJD?
Guns: WWJD?

Abortion: WWJD?
Gay Marriage WWJD?

That’s 8 out of 10 questions that, when answered according to biblical teachings, would compel a Christian to vote Democrat, not Republican. Does anybody still wonder why I think fundies are dumbasses?