Not really. But I still say we could kick their ass without breaking a sweat.

Once a year, there’s a special time we Republicans celebrate which pays tribute to all the members of the Republican party, both its staff and officials, as well as its voters. Let’s all take the time to look at all the achievements the GOP claims for itself:

• The Fall of Communism. It is a well-known fact that Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush were the only politicians this country has ever known who were willing to look Russia in the eye and call them out. If it weren’t for Americans, Russia wouldn’t know the wonders of Democracy it has so fully embraced today. Russia, you’re welcome. Or, as they say in Moscow:
• Bringing God back into America. For decades we have been keeping up the fight to put God back into America by putting the Ten Commandments in courthouses, trying to pass legislation that mandates school prayer, giving federal money to churches and Christian organizations, putting born-again Christians like George W. Bush in the White House and our biggest accomplishment, adding the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance. America is a country founded on the Bible, and we’re doing everything in our power to write that into the Constitution where it belongs.
• Fighting the War on Terror. Since 9/11, we’ve been taking the fight to the evil Muslims on their own turf! We took over two countries in one presidential term! How’s that for results? Now we’ve got Iran training Al Qaeda and sending them into Iraq, which means our next stop is Iran. They’ve been making nuclear weapons! If we don’t stop them, no one will.

Looking at the world today, one can easily tell we’ve been in charge. We get constant support from our two international friends, Great Britain and Japan. Economies around the world are soaring and our companies are making massive profits. The dollar is worth everything America stands for these days thanks to us. We’ve also been committed to our promise to uphold the Constitution in every way possible, which means the Second Amendment is safe.

So let’s all join hands and remember to thank a Republican today, and every year on April 1st.