An etiquette guide for the religious?

Why am I helping the fundies? I’m glad you asked. I got Jesused again by the neighbors today, only this time they sent their daughter to give me “you’re going to hell” literature. Seems I was right–we didn’t fool them after all. Anyway, the tackiness of the approach struck me again.

Tip #1: Sincerity - Be genuine for once.

For starters, if you’re going to be gung-ho about your religion try introducing yourself to the person you’re trying to convert. My family and I have been “witnessed” to twice by the neighbors, both times by surprise, and we don’t even know their fucking names.

Start out with,”Hey, my name is Joe.” The idea is not revolutionary. In fact, most normal people introduce themselves when they first meet somebody. I’ve always found that people are more receptive to “Hello” than “Accept Jesus or you’ll burn in hell.”

Tip #2: Patience - Good things come to those who wait

Alright, now you’ve sniffed each other’s butt, figuratively speaking. Do you go straight into your holy sales pitch? NO!

Now that you’ve established contact with your target, stay as far away from the topic of religion as you can. There are three things you never talk about with people you don’t know well: sex, politics and religion. Especially religion. This is a very touchy subject for many people. If your goal is to make the other person avoid you from now until Judgment Day, ignore what I’ve just said.

A friend of mine recently brought his girlfriend from overseas to meet his father. He introduced himself, but completely failed tip 2. Shortly after they arrived, he pulled out a brand new bible and handed it to her as a gift. My friend, knowing what his father is like but still not expecting this, looked for any reason he could to get the hell out of there.

Get to know the person. There are plenty of things you can find out just by talking to them. Don’t ask them what church they go to or whether they’re on “the winning team.” Be a friend. You can’t convert people by badgering them about their beliefs.

Tip #3: Humility - Do us all a favor and shut up.

Countless are the times I’ve heard fundamentalists interject “God” or “Jesus” or some random fundie catchphrase unexpectedly and without context. It’s almost as if they’re attempting to insert subliminal messages into the conversation. “We’ve been blessed, praise Jesus, to have so many pens lying around here.”

*record scratch* WHAT? Yes, it is a miraculous event! Jesus had nothing better to do with his eternity and powers so he focused them on guiding the fates of the universe to ensure that you were well stocked on pens.

Talking like a fanatic makes less-religious and non-religious people very uncomfortable. Does this serve your interests? I didn’t think so either. The only purpose this serves is establishing street cred with other holy rollers.

Tip #4: Conversion - The art of preaching without preaching.

As I said yesterday, the best way to win people over is by being genuine and kind to others. I’ve often heard fundamentalists rail the Catholic Church for their practice of Christ-worship, calling it a system that is based on good works instead of faith.

First, you’re not impressing anybody by condemning others for believing in god differently than you do. Second, you’re forgetting something: “You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.” James 2:24

I think what bothers the irreligious most about outspoken fundamentalists has to do with this. You try selling your religion as one that only requires faith… then many of you practice it in such a way. Easy as pie! All I need to do is “accept Jesus,” whatever that means, and I’m home free! Don’t need to put any time or effort into it, I’m as good as can be.

To me, that gives one a license to sin, not a deterrent. “Well I’m saved so I can do whatever I want because Jesus will forgive me.” Good deeds are a required part of Christianity as said in the doctrine. Having faith is not enough; you must actually do something that shows your faith. And I’m not talking about picking up poisonous snakes and dancing with them.

If you people do give a shit about “saving people’s souls,” maybe it’s time to get off your ass and actually practice your religion the way it commands. There’s not a damn thing you can do to convert someone who isn’t already seeking some form of acceptance. People come to faith of their own means and volition, not by someone forcing them to. Doing the things you’re supposed to do as a Christian is the best way to get people to want your values. Requiring their kids to pray to your god at school is not one of them.

Good luck.