You read that correctly.

I’ve had a hell of a clog in the drain in my kitchen sink. I’ve tried scraping, plunging and draino-ing this thing out, but it’s just not happening. I mentioned this to a co-worker who immediately suggested I take it to the next level.

Sulfuric acid is what he recommended, having used it once in his own house. He said I would have to be careful with it, and to try not to use it on a full sink of water… something to do with sizzling and splashing acid, I don’t recall.

I stopped by ACE Hardware on my way home from work. Lincoln actually has a gigantic ACE in town. It’s easily the size of three Walgreens put together, maybe larger. Off in the distance, I see what I’m looking for.

Apparently this stuff is so toxic and so erosive that selling it in a plastic bottle isn’t enough. They take it a step further by loosely sealing a plastic bag around it.

I got home and prepared myself: protective eye goggles, rubber gloves with plastic garbage liners over my arms, and a big, ratty towel covering my face and tied behind my head. I was ready to do business.

The process itself was fairly straightforward. Wear protective gear, open bottle, pour, cover drain with pot or bucket. Let sit for 4 minutes, then rinse with water for 2-3 minutes. Open a window. Done deal.

What it didn’t mention was the sink backing up in a watery-sludgy-sulfury cocktail while this stuff did it’s magic. My co-worker forgot to mention the overwhelming stench that comes with it. The air was heavy with sulfuric odors when I realized something: the storm windows were still on.

OH SHIT! Being a new homeowner unfamiliar with the various aging parts of my house, I kept looking for a way to open the damn things. Then I got a got a bright idea.

I ran out to the garage and grabbed a screwdriver from my toolbox. I came back and proceeded to take the whole damn window off the front of the house so I could figure out how it opened. Halfway through this embarrassing endeavor, the mother-in-law shows up with the boy. I fetch him, and put him in a stroller on the front porch while I carry on with my absurd little mission.

Aha! There was a small set of switches near the bottoms of the windows. Time to put them back on and start clearing the air.

Meanwhile, odor was pouring out of the hole where my window once was. Behind it lay the sink full of bubbling, backed-up stinkwater. I started to put the window back in place, screens-ready, only to find that the bastard won’t fit! By now, the boy is getting impatient and rocking back and forth while making “hurry the hell up” noises. After a few adjustments, I was able to slide the stubborn window back into it’s slot and hurry inside to open the rest of the windows in the house… and turn on every fan… and refill my fan-powered Glade Plug-Ins.

So here we are, an hour later. The only room in the house that doesn’t smell like a chicken with leprosy took a shit in it is my basement office, whose door was fortunately closed the entire time.

Anyone out there know a quicker way of getting the smell of sulfur out of a house, or at least something powerful enough to mask it?  My wife is going to be thrilled when she comes home from work.  Help prevent serious domestic abuse by bailing my ass out on this one!

Tearch, if you read this, I think I’ve caught whatever you’ve got.