BlargenBlog

A turkey made me late for work today.

Do weird things like this happen to you?  It happens to me non-stop.

Today I was on my way to work and decided to take Oakwood Road in East Peoria.  I came around a curve in the road and, whattheshit, there’s a turkey charging at me.  Lucky for the bird, I managed to stop quickly enough to avoid an early Thanksgiving execution.

Five minutes later, I’m still honking my horn to get this god damn bird out of my way, but he’s not having it.  Ohhhh no, any time I turn, he turns to stand directly between me and the rest of the world.  Being that I am a human and therefore endowed with greater mental capacity than lower members of the food chain, I concocted a plan.  I quickly backed up, then lunged at a sharp angle to get around the turkey.

Success!  By this point, a minivan had stopped behind me.  Thinking the coast was clear, I began to move towards the stop sign so I could be on my way.  The turkey, surely, must have taken an interest in the van by now, so I look in my side mirror and what do I see?

A friggin turkey face.

The sonuvabitch was running alongside my car and peering in the passenger-side window with a look that said,”IMMA GET YOU.”

Like hell you are, turkey, like hell you are!

I then slammed on the gas pedal and left the turkey choking dust.  Once my feathered foe had stopped following me, I slowed down… but noticed that he was now blocking the minivan whose driver was undoubtedly laughing at my misfortune.  Sorry minivan, I had to get out of there.  For all I knew, it was a highly trained attack turkey.  You just don’t mess around with these kinds of things.

I called my coworker who later ran a Google search to verify my story and found that turkeys can run up to 25 MPH.  But that didn’t stop me from being quoted on our “Wall of Shame” whiteboard.  I’m also quoted on there for using brilliant phrases such as “Intermittent Internet Downage,” and yes, I’m credited as “Reno.”

Still, a bird that can run 25 MPH is serious business.  That’s right, people.  If a turkey has it in for you, be ready to kick its ass.

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I’m not sure why the animal kingdom is holding a vendetta against me.  Sometime I oughtta tell you about the owl chronicles.

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UPDATE:  A friend of mine has seen this menacing bird patrolling the same intersection like a traffic cop, and she took some pictures:

Friggin bird.

Tags: driving, turkey

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 at 7:48 am and is filed under Misadventures, Odd, blargen. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.