The fundie’s shed bit the dust. I think I’ll be a good neighbor and offer to help when they clean it up.

Ingredient: Random Internet Amusement

Last night while the boy was napping, I visited my neglected myspace.com page to check messages. In the bulletins panel, I see something which says something like “Chat Live NOW!”

“Oh great” I thought,”I’ve accidentally added a porn spammer.”

So I click on the name with the intentions of removing the person from my increasingly exclusive friends list and instead feel a flash of recognition of the person in the profile. After browsing through a few pictures it dawned on me who it was: soon after the iPhone was released, a customer named Justine posted a video showing her bill from AT&T.

The bulletin was linking to a live blog. Despite being a connoisseur of internet culture, I had never bothered with video blogs and hey, it was worth trying once.

The blogger was sitting in a coffee shop talking to her laptop. Occasionally a random person would come to say hello or she’d get a phone call. Meanwhile she was responding to the constantly-scrolling text in the sidebar which was being moderated by several people. There were just over 100 users present at any given time.

It was obvious that some were trying to get her attention, while others made random commentary on what she said or what she was doing at the time. Then there were the occasional dweebs who hadn’t figured out that “OMFG U SO HOTT” is not the most effective way to address an attractive woman.

It was interesting, to say the least. I don’t think I’ll be back often if at all, but now I think I get what it’s about. “Type something random/funny and see if the person in the video responds.” For the 15 minutes or so I spent watching this thing, I got two responses: one was saying “NOM NOM NOM” after she started chewing some gum, the other was after asking about the moderators. Win? Win.

Ingredient: Heartburn.

Last night I discovered the upper limit of steak seasoning and overcooking (read: burning) expensive red meat.

Ingredient: Drama.

I would call it “needless drama,” but why be redundant? All drama is needless. This particular area of Dra-Mart is far worse than others–it’s in the internet department in a clearance aisle full of shit nobody ever wanted to begin with.  Maybe the trolls are in heat and their mating call consists of angry, bi-polar rants on internet forums. Or, maybe they caught the crazy.

Sometimes that spills over to other sites, as it has on ours or here at BlargenBlog. Preventative measures are being taken.

After using a standard and well-working anti-trolling policy over at the forum for awhile, I’ve applied the same standards here to my blog and am sure to achieve stellar results despite losing three quarters of all my comment activity (you guessed it: generated by a single person). In addition to weeding out run-of-the-mill trolls, this will also limit the amount of drama that splashes on the site the next time some stalker wants to take his misguided little grudge to the source. People are freaks.

Ingredient: Addiction

Specifically: the political one. I’ve done better than I expected in avoiding the topic on the blog, which is to say that I’ve failed horribly and therefore must extend the proposed hiatus. To be fair, I’ve mostly stuck to my intentions in this regard, which is why politics is not being mentioned in this post at all.

Wait… damn!

Dressing: Withdrawment

Tonight, due to weather, I will not be attending the Louie-Fest thing tonight. However, plans for tomorrow are still on.

I never thought I’d need a rules page for a blog.  People friggin’ amaze me:  linky.

Every now and then it’s good to rest and refresh yourself.  It gives you an opportunity to step back and observe things as they happen.  You’d be surprised how much you miss when you’re mixed up in the fray.  So for the time being I’m going to stay away from politics a bit (except I might finish up one blog/random pondering that I started weeks ago) and go on with regular blogging.  Unless something big happens, I’ll be content with focusing my attention elsewhere.

I do this once in awhile.  After a certain point, I eventually catch myself sounding like the belligerently closed-minded hacks I complain about.  When that happens, it’s time for a break on the topic.  That, and since the primaries are basically over, the subjects of Hillary Clinton and Operation Scumbag are more like irrelevant nuisances than wellsprings of ire.  When she is finally out of the picture and Obama/McCain starts getting more attention, we’ll see what happens.

I actually put thought into this one:

Actually, I’m lying.

Ingredient: Frustration

People who don’t understand what a web browser is and need to be told which cord is the power cord shouldn’t own a computer, let alone work on one. I waste at least one hour of every day dealing with some idiot who is incapable of grasping basic user operations on a PC, yet still got hired to work from home. Sometimes there are multiple idiots who take large portions of my time, but every day there’s at least one who should quit their job and sell their PC, then apply for welfare. I don’t mind paying the taxes to keep people like this from unnecessarily raising my blood pressure.

Ingredient: Patronization

Have you ever had to put up with someone who thought they were the shit, then deal with it by simply tolerating their presence and occasionally humoring them in their delusions, but are flatly unimpressed overall? At what point do you shatter their illusions by pointing out they’re not all that important?

Ingredient: Chagrin

The Huffington Post and other news sources are finally talking about what I’ve been bitching about since at least March. The right wing is involved in yet another vast right-wing conspiracy. Every conservative I’ve met who admits listening to Rush Limbaugh gives the same stock answer. It consists of several parts:

1) Acknowledgement: “Yes, I listen to him…” There’s no point denying the obvious. If you identify yourself as a conservative, chances are, you listen to Rush Limbaugh.

2) Downplay: “…every once in awhile…” They’re saying “look, I may listen to him but it’s not that big of a deal.” Here they try making it seem like he’s not their main/sole source of news. C’mon, there’s also Faux News and conservative bloggers!

3) Street Cred: “…but I don’t agree with everything he says.” In other words, “I arrive at my own conclusions.” An attempt at making themselves seem like independent-minded free thinkers, like Rush tells them they are. This is probably because they’re often accused of not thinking, and simply downloading their opinion directly into their brains from whatever the mouth on the radio says.

Of course, we know this is all bullshit. They’re nothing but mindless, brainwashed hacks. This becomes especially obvious when they start pledging their allegiance to that butterball. “I’m a loyal soldier.” “It was an honor to follow your orders.” Read about it here. Don’t get me wrong–the rest of us knew this to be the case the whole time. It’s just funny that they’re finally admitting it so openly. Maybe I ought to write a book about it. “See, I Told You So” sounds like a good title, eh Rush?

The primary hijacking that has been going on has a name: Operation Chaos. Their goal is to get Clinton nominated as the Democratic candidate because they think she’ll be easier to defeat in the general election. Alternatively, they see themselves as benefiting by prolonging the primaries and letting the Dems tear themselves down, which is what has happened.

Rush Limbaugh has played his “poor me” fiddle when the rest of us condemned him for attempting to subvert democracy. But in truth, that’s what this is. What his little “Operation Chaos” amounts to is fraud. The result is the selling of the right’s dignity and honor, if they had any to begin with.

Ingredient: Observation

As soon as I saw that Clinton won Indiana by a whopping 2%, I knew she’d never leave. After reading the Dumbaugh article, I knew for certain why she won. It’s the same reason she won in Texas and Ohio by many estimates. Clinton knows this. The super-delegates know that people are voting for her for this reason, and have no intention of voting for her in the fall… yet still they sit on the bench, refusing to play. Pretty god damn sad if you ask me, especially since the circumstances are obvious: Republicans are scumbags, therefore Clinton remains in the race.

I also think that’s a real testament to the electability of Barack Obama. Even though these scumbag Republicans are coming out in droves to hijack the election and fix the results, Clinton is STILL losing.

Superdelegates, get your shit in gear or fuck off to the world of political irrelevancy along with John Edwards.

You read that correctly.

I’ve had a hell of a clog in the drain in my kitchen sink. I’ve tried scraping, plunging and draino-ing this thing out, but it’s just not happening. I mentioned this to a co-worker who immediately suggested I take it to the next level.

Sulfuric acid is what he recommended, having used it once in his own house. He said I would have to be careful with it, and to try not to use it on a full sink of water… something to do with sizzling and splashing acid, I don’t recall.

I stopped by ACE Hardware on my way home from work. Lincoln actually has a gigantic ACE in town. It’s easily the size of three Walgreens put together, maybe larger. Off in the distance, I see what I’m looking for.

Apparently this stuff is so toxic and so erosive that selling it in a plastic bottle isn’t enough. They take it a step further by loosely sealing a plastic bag around it.

I got home and prepared myself: protective eye goggles, rubber gloves with plastic garbage liners over my arms, and a big, ratty towel covering my face and tied behind my head. I was ready to do business.

The process itself was fairly straightforward. Wear protective gear, open bottle, pour, cover drain with pot or bucket. Let sit for 4 minutes, then rinse with water for 2-3 minutes. Open a window. Done deal.

What it didn’t mention was the sink backing up in a watery-sludgy-sulfury cocktail while this stuff did it’s magic. My co-worker forgot to mention the overwhelming stench that comes with it. The air was heavy with sulfuric odors when I realized something: the storm windows were still on.

OH SHIT! Being a new homeowner unfamiliar with the various aging parts of my house, I kept looking for a way to open the damn things. Then I got a got a bright idea.

I ran out to the garage and grabbed a screwdriver from my toolbox. I came back and proceeded to take the whole damn window off the front of the house so I could figure out how it opened. Halfway through this embarrassing endeavor, the mother-in-law shows up with the boy. I fetch him, and put him in a stroller on the front porch while I carry on with my absurd little mission.

Aha! There was a small set of switches near the bottoms of the windows. Time to put them back on and start clearing the air.

Meanwhile, odor was pouring out of the hole where my window once was. Behind it lay the sink full of bubbling, backed-up stinkwater. I started to put the window back in place, screens-ready, only to find that the bastard won’t fit! By now, the boy is getting impatient and rocking back and forth while making “hurry the hell up” noises. After a few adjustments, I was able to slide the stubborn window back into it’s slot and hurry inside to open the rest of the windows in the house… and turn on every fan… and refill my fan-powered Glade Plug-Ins.

So here we are, an hour later. The only room in the house that doesn’t smell like a chicken with leprosy took a shit in it is my basement office, whose door was fortunately closed the entire time.

Anyone out there know a quicker way of getting the smell of sulfur out of a house, or at least something powerful enough to mask it?  My wife is going to be thrilled when she comes home from work.  Help prevent serious domestic abuse by bailing my ass out on this one!

Tearch, if you read this, I think I’ve caught whatever you’ve got.

Ingredient: Catharsis

Y’know what word pisses me off? Synergy. It means “combined action or functioning.” By itself, it sounds like a neat word, doesn’t it? The problem I’m having is with how it’s used, how much it’s used and who is using it. If you read magazines such as Forbes or CEO or perhaps even the Wall Street Journal, you’re probably familiar with it.

This is one of those office go-getter buzzwords you see kiss-ass corporate sales and marketing representatives use when pitching an idea to their clients and business partners. Chances are, they wouldn’t even know the word if they hadn’t heard their promotion-whoring dickwad co-worker chanting it like a mantra. Kind of like those people who use any chance to say the word “corporate” when talking about their company’s HQ. “Gotta call corporate.” “Corporate just called.” Seriously, you’re not that important, go to your desk and we’ll find you if we need to.

I can see “synergy” being defended as more efficient than, say,”let’s use our creative energies together to achieve a common goal.” The fact is one sounds sincere, and the other makes you sound like a tool. Can you guess which?

Synergy has another definition as well: “the cooperative action of two or more stimuli or drugs.” Yeah, coffee and testosterone.

Ingredient: Gloating

Remember Fundie Week? Rolling Stone just ran an article about journalist Matt Taibbi (one of my RS favorites) joining a southern megachurch and infiltrating a weekend revival. Not only did it validate everything I’ve said on the matter, but agreed with my basic premise of criticism: there is no reasoning with these people.

Though this one was marginally more eccentric, I recognized the format from churches I’ve visited in Peoria. Casting demons out, speaking in tongues, etc. After reading the article and reflecting on what I had witnessed time and again while still undergoing my ideological incubation, I cannot help but agree:

“The thought that any politician could claim this kind of experience and not be immediately disqualified from public service seemed utterly terrifying.” — Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone

If anyone is curious, this article takes place in the church of controversial pastor John Hagee. Not intentionally–the article was in the works before he made his endorsement of John McCain. But Bush has been a longtime buddy.

Ingredient: Befuddlement

Why is it that Obama support is written off as sensationalized “Obamamania,” as if it were some passing fad, while Clinton support is not? Last I checked, Obama was only ahead by maybe a few percentage points. That seems pretty even to me, not a landslide of a hyped-up candidate caused by the overzealousness of fanatics.

At this point, I’m not sure if it comes from the Clinton camp (Ferraro saying he’s very lucky to be who he is) or the Wrong-Wing Radio/Faux News camp. I’m fingering the latter this time. This is the same group that marginalized him as a “halfrican” and refer to any criticism of the administration as BDS. Since they’re so experienced with incorrect labels, they’re the most likely suspect.

Any thinking person can come to the conclusion that “Obamamania,” not Obama, is what is being hyped by doing nothing more than looking at the numbers.

Ingredient: Ridicule

Speaking of Radio, I noticed something about Rush Limbaugh that I’d missed previous times. He often refers to his show as the “Limbaugh Institute of Advanced Conservative Studies.” Anyone who has an inkling of what “conservative” meant pre-Bush and what people are calling conservatism these days knows that conservatism is truly dead. The result has been unquestioning support of the Republican party, regardless of how non-conservative they actually were.

Since there’s no such thing as a mainstream conservative (I call them other things) in the year 2008, we need to change the name to the “Limbaugh Institute of Advanced Republican Studies.” Or, LIARS. This name is a million times better, and apparently somewhat original too. I googled it and found only one hit.

EDIT — The reason there was only one hit is because I got the original quote wrong.  It’s the “Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies.”  Anyway, I’m still pleased.  Google only gave 22 results for the correct LIARS acronym.  Still, not bad.