Eat it, fundies:

Looks like Kentucky joins West Virginia in the classification of racist states… but let’s not ignore the elephant in the room.

9 out of 10 people who said they were voting based on race were white Clinton supporters. 65 percent are conservatives, many of whom have no intention of voting for a Democrat in the General Election. That ought to tell you something.

——–

The timeline of the following story, while generally linear, tends to overlap at times for the sake of continuity and readability. All of it, however, is accurate to the best of my recollection. It’s long and probably self-effacing. The majority of it was written between 10pm last night and 3am this morning while watching the results of the Oregon primaries, and is probably poorly written as a result. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

——–

A few weeks ago I revealed to a new group that I had voted for Bush in 2000 and was once a staunch Conservative Christian Republican with nothing but contempt for “the liberals” and “the liberal media.” On a political quiz in one of my college courses, I ranked just to the right of Rush Limbaugh.

Instead of ridicule, I was simply asked why. I explained that I had attended a Christian high school when I first discovered politics and my main influences were fundamentalist and conservative. They asked,”What was the mindset were you in though? What info which was later dispelled? You have a special insight here and it’s a good opportunity to understand what goes on over there. Furthermore, how exactly did you turn, and with what info?”

My response: “I don’t even know where to begin.” Really, it’s not an easy answer.

The Early Years.

My mother is a devout Christian and has always tried to lead by that example. During my youth, we attended church infrequently, mainly on holidays or other special events. Then we came upon a small church that was meeting in the Notre Dame high school’s auditorium once a week. They called themselves Northwoods.

Looking back on it, I can see where the appeal came from. The group was comprised of a few hundred people of many demographics. Every Sunday there were sweets and baked goods in the lobby, contributed by members of the church (and naturally, as a pre-pubescent boy, my favorite part of the gathering). It was a place you could go without being judged, one which offered a different approach to faith.

On stage, there was a live band–something I would have never imagined after attending the long, dreary sermons of other area churches where counting sheep meant surveying the number of poofy white hairdos atop grumpy faces. Unlike these sleep factories, this church didn’t spend the first thirty minutes of the service singing obscure, ancient hymns. Instead, they sang a few contemporary songs and had a drama presentation. After that, the sermon was energetically delivered by a young and charismatic pastor. The body of followers was enthusiastic and on the grow, signaling a fundamental change in marketing–thus evangelizing–that was proving to be more than merely effective; it was revolutionary.

After the church had grown some and I became active in group activities and volunteering in both youth productions and Sunday services as part of the stage crew, I eventually joined the ranks of the “born again” after attending a Christian concert (then, not quite grasping the concept of Christian salvation, once again at another concert). I was excited about it, giddy almost. It was new and inviting even as I was finding my niche.

A few years went by and I ended up at a local Christian high school after petitioning to gain acceptance. More bonus. By this time I wasn’t exactly excited in my faith anymore, but I wasn’t adverse to it. I felt as if I had grown more mature, that arbitrary rebellion was childish and had developed a bit of a disdain for those who weren’t at my level (parental rebellion, naturally, was still fair game). Looking back on it now, obviously, I remember being as confused as anyone that age.

It was during this time that I began to develop an idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I was adept at music, being able to passably play any instrument I tried after a short period of time. I was also technologically proficient, having surpassed the majority of my peers with my knowledge and abilities in using and maintaining a PC. However, I also had an insatiable thirst for intellectual endeavors in the areas of history and psychology.

Then, something strange happened. In the wake of the uniquely teenage style of depression following my first major romantic rejection (a complete comedy of errors on my part, by the way), I found something to cling to. After being introduced and becoming involved in the straightedge and local hardcore music scenes, animal rights and social awareness, my world history teacher assigned me to write a report on a book by none other than Rush Limbaugh.

I was already familiar with his conservative rants and remarks from being in class with the dittohead teacher. After immediately discovering how unpopular it was to be a Democrat in a Christian school (and after being called a “Demoncrat” by one of my friends) I became completely apolitical. After all, I had only identified with the Democrats because my family was largely comprised of centrist Democrats. What did it matter to me?

It never occurred to me that I ought to challenge my history teacher on anything he had to say. For starters, challenging the teachers on any matter was strongly discouraged, and even punishable by disciplinary action (as apparently free thinking is un-Christian and equates to disrespect in the eyes of the administrators). More significant was the fact that I didn’t even know there was another side. The only information we were given was slanted to the right. The only thing we had to know about liberals and liberalism is that they were bad and immoral. End of discussion.

Who could blame me for blindly agreeing with everything I read in Limbaugh’s book, even the parts slamming the environmentalists and animal rights activists? What source was I to draw on to balance my understanding of the topics that were being presented? Certainly not the school library, filled as it was with Christian-themed books, the most arguably liberal tomes in the collection being classic poetry (which I still happened to read frequently).

I scored an A on the report after sacrificing the night to breeze through the second half of the book and come up with a coherent presentation. The teacher was giddily asking me to share my thoughts on certain parts of the book, then barely able to conceal his laughter as I worked through one point after another, as told by El Rushbo himself.

Before the next student even started his presentation, by the time I had settled in my seat, one deafening thought drowned out all others: I was pretty damn good at this.

Warrior for God

After learning to talk the talk, I was getting better at walking the walk. I still had a love affair with secular music that my peers said I needed to “turn over to God,” but other than that I was a stalwart Christmeister. My involvement at Northwoods was growing along with the number of followers and moreover, the offerings.

By now we had long moved beyond the high school auditorium and into a truck stop that had been remodeled for our holy purposes as the church elders began making promises to break ground on a brand new construction project: we were building a permanent location.

The church now had a complete mission statement and a thriving word of mouth marketing campaign working in their favor. The message was simple: “We provide a safe place to investigate the claims of Christ.” The senior pastor had ever emphasized the need to compartmentalize our community. “As we grow larger,” he would say,”we need to become smaller.” Specifically, he was referring to the smaller groups targeted at different demographics. The elderly groups. The youth groups. The singles group. Church activities groups, etc.

Meanwhile some other changes were happening. In growing larger, we had indeed become smaller but not in the way they had intended. As is natural for teenagers, the youth groups had splintered into our own cliques. However, at group activities, we were all able to get along and have fun together, regardless of social barriers. The chord that seemed out of key in our Godly little chorus was the way our adolescent compartmentalization spread beyond our age group–the adults were forming cliques as well.

Being one of the more frequent volunteers, I was privy to overhearing conversations that weren’t intended for my consumption. Two people talking about another member. That member telling his or her friends about what the other person did, and so on. Not only that, but I noticed an air of self-importance surrounding some of the staff. Naturally, after a sermon it seemed that everybody wanted a piece of the speaking pastor’s time. As membership grew, time became more scarce for these well-wishers and adoring fans.

But something else was at play here too. While there was business to attend to in anticipation of the coming groundbreaking ceremony at the new location, things sort of became, well, businesslike. Not only was there jockeying for favor and other positioning amongst staff members–in retrospect, this something which seems rather apparent now that I’m working in an actual corporate environment and observe this sort of thing pretty regularly–but even the small groups and program teams had seemed to be more about productivity than community. If you were important enough, you got the time of day. If not, well, thanks for helping out, be here early tomorrow morning.

It took awhile for the alienation to really set in, since I was mingling with other area youth groups and attending their gatherings to supplement my own church’s events. It was at these events that I became more deeply entrenched in the fundamentalist, conservative Christian lifestyle. Some of these were innocent bonfire gatherings and weenie roasts, occasionally with a band present. Others were more “rooted,” where you got funny stares if you didn’t have your eyes closed and your arms slowly waving in the air during worship sessions. Others detailed the devilry of the world and the fire and brimstone which awaits those who stray from the One True Path™ of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ™.

I’ve seen it all: exorcisms, healings, stories of salvation, revivals. At one event near Chicago, I heard a young woman detailing the story of her birth, and how her delivery had been performed in a Satanic ritual.

“Must’ve been liberals.”

This assumption always seemed to follow a negative perception. You see, in the world of Christian Republicans, the problem with all social ills and perceived immorality is due to the radical mindset of god-hating, anti-family liberals in the Democratic party.

My peers always seemed to agree with my assessment–no further thought was necessary. Further discussion, however, was inevitable. Bill Clinton had been painted as the oppressor of all freedoms and the antithesis to the Constitution which we all held so dear (the irony!). What would begin as a single comment about how the liberal media was attempting to derail justice and was involved in a cover-up to protect the White House (odd since they devoted so much time to the Lewinsky thing) would unfailingly lead to a never-varying discussion on abortion, the environment, atheists, affirmative action, feminism, smaller government, states rights, the military, taxes, prayer in schools, evolution and the breakdown of the American family.

The discussion of each topic never strayed far from a central viewpoint we all shared: the conservative one. One of us would start to “make our point,” which would always be a monologue, and another would pick up right where they left off. Any one of us could have had the entire discussion, verbatim, with ourselves, because each of us knew it so well.

Looking back on it now, I can see the appeal. Making a statement and having everybody in the group around agree with you 100% leaves one with a good feeling. These people respected your ideas. They were interested in what you had to say. Who could resist encouragement like that?

I was discovering another thing as well: politics not only got you recognition, but it was easy. As long as you know your lines, you’re in.

Or so I thought.

Carrying the Torch.

By the beginning of my Junior year in high school, I was already sick of the condescending attitudes of my classmates and tired of the constant show people put on to out-Jesus each other in public, but act like utter hypocrites in private. I spent the rest of my high school career in a public school. I had also mostly stopped going to church, but still kept in touch with a number of old friends. I became more of a casual Christian in practice, but never abandoned the rhetoric, even though I had already lost my virginity, smoked and drank on occasion, smoked weed a few times and cursed with a mastery that rivaled that of my uninitiated peers. At the same time, I was becoming my own person, not giving a flying fuck what anybody thought of me as long as they gave me my space.

My clothing style was, ah, interesting during this time as well. Some days I’d show up in full regalia, complete with baggy pants and a t-shirt featuring an obscure hardcore band. Other times, I’d be dressed in a suit and tie, looking like I was getting ready to meet with a major client behind closed doors and win their business with charm and a brilliant sales pitch.

By the time I was entering college, however, I was a finished product. Business casual dress wherever I went (to this day you’ll rarely find me in anything but a button-down shirt), sometimes more, depending on the event and how pretentious I was feeling that day. My academic career, however, was an utter failure.

I’ve justified it in the past as overambitiousness. Now I see it for how it was: my main problem was that I entered college with something to prove. Coupled with an energetic but horribly undisciplined study method and work ethic, I was doomed from the start.

My academic choice, naturally, was political science with a minor in philosophy. I did well in the classes initially and as the semester went on I got braver and started challenging my instructors. What was bad wasn’t that I was challenging them (something I strongly encourage), but why I was challenging them.

I was enlightened, you see. I listened to right-wing radio on a regular basis. I read the political websites and newspapers. I watched Fox News–the alternative to the bias of the liberal media. Unlike my college peers, I was aware of the intellectual establishment’s contempt for American freedoms. I had come prepared, dear reader, armed with the knowledge that colleges were bastions of liberal indoctrination!

To pad the resume that would eventually carry my ambitions, I joined every student organization I was eligible for, openly identifying myself as a conservative. My first semester of college I became an elected senator of the student government–quite a feat considering some had been running for several semesters and still got no further than “appointed” status. I became the secretary of both the environmental organization and the student philosophy association. Then, of course, there were the Christian groups.

My reasoning was that they’d give me greater credibility and experience. After all this time, here I had become the one jockeying for position, something I had rejected at Northwoods. So it comes full circle.

My “enlightened” status eventually led to my academic demise for a number of semesters after going through several majors, determined to “get it right this time.” It wasn’t until I gave up on politics and switched to computer science that I actually started earning decent grades and not dropping out of classes halfway through the semester.

The bias through which I drew my inspiration and counted as my greatest strength ended up being my undoing. It wasn’t the work or the complexity of the subjects I was studying–it’s that I was resistant to new ideas, convinced that I had it right the first time. I made the mistake of entering a place of learning with a closed mind and suffered the consequences.

I went further than that, too. I was finding it increasingly difficult to defend my views. Before, when I was surrounded with other conservatives and Christians, I never had to worry about backing up my claims with facts or even reasoning (something which I was still pretty adept at for having little or no factual ground or sound logic to back it up with). When I was asked to scratch beneath the surface to defend my arguments, I came up empty-handed… or resisted, or resorted to ad hominem, or changed the subject. I eventually got pissed at the ones who were questioning me instead of listening to their arguments. I, on the other hand, was guilty of saying the same thing over and over, in as many ways as I could think of, as if putting it in a thousand different contexts somehow solidified it.

I would think of this period as the start of my conversion, but it really marked the beginning of a long period of disenchantment. Disillusionment would come later.

Espresso and Discourse.

Sometime in the later phase of my academic crash and burn, I came upon a group of people by complete accident. A friend of mine had invited me to a show for some local bands at a coffee shop in a nearby town. The only other thing I had going at the time was writing a paper on how big government was evil and business and free market were the source of all that is good and right with the world… for the millionth time.

That more or less opened the floodgates to what I would eventually become. I hit it off with the regulars as well as the family that owned the place. It became my second home–during the summer I would spend entire days there, and eventually landed a job. I made a number of persisting friendships with people I previously never would have given the time of day.

They were liberals. My first real, live liberal friends.

Where I would have done well previously in my studies is in listening to what people had to say without carrying my own judgments in the matter. I still have to catch myself at times so as not to slip into old patterns. Unfortunately for me, it took the complete breaking of my spirit to get to the point where I’d actually listen to what others had to say and where I’d challenge myself on matters instead of assuming anyone who disagreed with me was wrong.

In part, I think that merely being around these new people was enough for me to see the error of my ways. As it turned out, these weren’t the hateful radicals I had heard about. They weren’t the moral deviants I was warned would set me on the path to hell, nor were their thoughts and ideas so outlandish that they bordered on satire. Among them were people of multiple religions–or none at all. Each one of them had varying opinions that sometimes overlapped and were agreed upon, but still different enough to be distinguishable from the others. Where they disagreed, they didn’t accuse the other of being a Nazi or a Commie, or any of the labels my conservative ilk and I had applied to people like them.

“My God!” I realized,”they’re actually people!”

That was the defining moment for me: opening my mind. I was hearing the other side of the story for the first time. Here were the missing pieces of the puzzle. Here’s why my arguments failed. Right here in front of me were all the things I had never considered, laid bare and without malice… but it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine.

To this day, I can’t quite come up with a suitable comparison to having your beliefs shattered in wave after wave of disillusionment and realization. I can’t honestly blame them for what happened nor what followed. The catalyst for this transformation wasn’t in what they said, but that it had caused me to think.

I can see why the extreme right wants to stoke our fears and keep us apart.

What followed can only be described as hitting bottom. In thinking of my views on the economy, I found flaws in capitalism and the dangers and corruption inherent in free markets. By reexamining my views on affirmative action, it dawned on me that while the policy may have become mostly obsolete, out of desperation it may have been necessary when it was introduced. When exploring what I previously held to be Truth in my faith, I paid attention to the contradictions, the inconsistencies, the history and the science; but more so, it gave me a chance to objectively evaluate the negative social impact of the religious right and how well their politics matched their values. I looked at the science behind evolution. I looked at the debunkery of creationism. I weighed the costs and benefits of smaller government versus the ever-increasing powers of the corporate elite and their endless army of lobbyists.

After 9/11 occurred my sense of belligerent nationalism was inflamed along with everyone else’s.. only, it didn’t last. At least, not like it would have a year earlier. In the midst of my disillusionment, I became apathetic. Sure, I wanted there to be payback for the attacks. I wanted there to be WMD’s in Iraq. But I didn’t care if there weren’t. Even if there were, so what? I had been lied to for years and fell for it. I was a complete sucker and I knew it.

Depression set in for a considerable amount of time. I had quit school and was working in the downtown bar scene for about two years. I began to drink and lose ambition. It’s not like it wasn’t readily available. On most nights after work, we’d stay up and drink from 4:30 am until almost noon. I’m not saying that being a conservative will turn you into an alcoholic, my indulgence was more a result of apathy, convenience and acceptability. However, my conservative background left me with a cynicism towards minorities, so I didn’t have much of a problem enforcing a blatantly racist dress code in the bars I worked at (something which increasingly led to my radicalization against racism in any form). It wasn’t overt, I just didn’t give a shit.

It wasn’t until after an attempted suicide at the depth of my depression that I finally came around and started getting my shit together. There wasn’t a magical transformation nor a melodramatic conversion. I was too old for this shit. Sure, I hadn’t lost anyone especially close to me, but I had lost my ambition. Politics and my faith were everything to me and now they seemed so… meaningless. The friends who had opened my eyes to the world had moved across the country and took my non-downtown social life with them, I was jobless and penniless and was basically living off of my girlfriend for an unreasonable amount of time. My old Christian friends were busy with their own lives and spread across the country, but at that point I didn’t really want to talk to them, either.

Back to the Future.

I had taken a couple of night classes during my time at the bar and earned a PC repair certification. I decided to enterprise a bit and get back into the swing of things, bringing myself up to date on web design standards, teaching myself a bit of networking, programming and graphical design, once again drawing on my old strengths that I’d mostly forgotten about. I landed a few IT jobs and started making a livable wage.

Although, sometime in late 2004 I started gaining interest in these old subjects once again. I began reading again and paying attention to the news. I explored a number of political topics and boned up on what was going on in the world. I cracked open some old philosophy books and regained a sense of my old ambitions.

While I still had no desire to become involved it again, I never gave myself an excuse to stop learning about it. It would be a hobby, I thought. Like gardening. My intentions were to get a degree in computer science or perhaps a Cisco certification and make my living that way.

In the meantime, as my knowledge expanded, so did my political views advance. If I found out I was wrong about something, I’d find out why I was wrong and adjust my thoughts accordingly. Once again, I became a lover of knowledge, but this time without the preconceptions and biases that had previously held me back. If someone had done something commendable, I’d recognize it whether I agreed with their policies or not. If someone did something shady, I’d write them off as a scumbag–but never without the chance to redeem themselves. People change. I did.

The past few years have been somewhat of a blur, having come out of a failing relationship of nearly two years to becoming a husband and a father in a relatively short amount of time. I also landed a professional position as an IT analyst at a local company. Things were going great for awhile until… I got political again.

I can’t say that I wasn’t already political before the shit hit the fan, but I had no intention of changing course until I realized something: I have positively no interest in an IT career. Part of it had to do with general corporate behavior (a moot point for my job–the company I work for is quite clean and respectable in that regard) and office politics, which harken back to my days on the inside of Northwoods Community Church. More than anything, I was less than impressed with the the proverbial pissing contest between the technically inclined. I lived among fundamentalists and the wingnut fringe, guys, I recognize shallow self-importance when I see it.

I had intended to go back to school for the spring semester of 2008, but ended up moving to a new house with my family to be able to afford the cost of childcare, and paying for two rents until the lease at our old apartment expired didn’t give us an inch of wiggle room for budgeting this kind of thing. That, and FAFSA is slower than hell.

However, I am now currently enrolled full time for the fall semester. Fortunately, due to the lapse between the last time I was attended college and the present, I’m also eligible to get the shitty grades erased by retaking the classes and passing a few others. Overall I’m pretty confident that things will be different this time. First off, my work ethic is far better than it was when I was 18, and now much more is at stake: 1) getting out of an industry I have no desire to stay in; 2) realizing that ambitious potential that has kept me awake at night; and most importantly 3) providing a higher quality of life for myself and my family.

And, now that I think about it, 4) opening a few minds in the process. It’s not for everybody, but looking back on it now, I wouldn’t change a thing… except, maybe, choosing to enroll in a Christian school and being suckered into a narrow ideology that has wasted years of my life. I still have no desire whatsoever to serve in any kind of government position.

The Circus is Still in Town.

So what is it like over there?

Well, I imagine that most of them have a very limited social circle where they’ve managed to, either by accident or intent, filter the *types* of people they interact with. If you look at the paragraph that begins with “My peers always seemed to agree with my assessment,” you can see how such a scenario might play out. Even when exposed to differing viewpoints, there’s still a social safety net to catch you and reconfirm your views. A stroke of the ego is the cure for any kind of self-doubt. Of course, by the time I had begun to mingle with the coffee shop crowd, I no longer had the safety net to conveniently catch me.

Since switching sides, one thing I’ve found in common among most self-styled conservatives is the condescending attitudes they display towards those they’re “debating” with. That’s another thing. They love to use the word “debate” to describe a one-way lecture.

For instance, in the “I was enlightened” paragraph, you can see where some of the attitude may come from. At the time I had considered myself extremely well-informed. The hosts and reporters and authors of my sources of information talked about how we were getting the real story, unbiased and spin-free. We were told we’re among the informed insiders.

Who doesn’t want to believe that? Looking back on it, it really is an ingenious marketing strategy. Appeal to people’s narcissism by telling them they’re the ones with knowledge or that they’re the ones who aren’t being duped. Tell them they’re the true patriots. Kiss their asses until their underwear chafes. When marketing to the petty side of human nature, a flattering lie will take you a lot farther than an ugly truth.

Another common reaction to opposing viewpoints that I both participated and regularly witnessed occurs the way I described in “The bias through which” paragraph and the following one. There was a clear resistance to anything that differed to what we thought or thought we knew. For instance, the initial reaction among many conservatives during the Elian Gonzales fiasco was to deport the kid back to the commies. Considering the blatant anti-immigrant policies and attitudes common among conservatives and the “open arms” policy we felt the left had displayed, it was a surprise to some of us when the Janet Reno Justice Department agreed. Then the punditry came in and took the other side leaving many of us confused. But like good soldiers we followed suit. Janet Reno was part of the Clinton administration, and the Clinton administration was the enemy of truth and freedom. As a group, we weren’t exactly hard to manipulate.

I still see the fickle phenomena of the conservative right when Limbaugh listeners try making the claim that their intentions with “Operation Chaos” were indeed to prolong the Democratic nomination process, not to get Clinton nominated since they felt she’d be a figure to rally against in the general election and, subsequently, easier to defeat. While it took me awhile to become “liberal,” it didn’t take long at all to recognize the flock mentality of the Limbaugh crowd and to distance myself from it to appear as though I had reached my conclusions independently. Even today there’s no shortage of Limbaugh clones blatantly plagiarizing the man but saying things like “I don’t agree with him all the time,” or “I don’t listen to him.”

Facts are another thing many conservatives still seem to have problems with. As long as a politician ran on a conservative ticket, we never bothered with him again unless a scandal broke–which we responded to by changing the subject and using gotcha phrases to silence the opposition. As conservatives, we never ever argued based on merits. Instead we started with a set of assumed absolutes, then built our arguments from there. It never seemed to occur to us that there may have been problems in what we assumed was settled. Anyone who reads my blog and is familiar with the person known as “Vonster” ought to be familiar with these methods.

When I call out the wingnut fringe on their trademark bullshit, it’s not because I want to silence the opposition or am being closed-minded to their perceptions. The fact of the matter is, I’ve been on the other side. I know all their tricks, all their lines and all their games. I’ve seen the flock mentality and the blubbering fervor that stokes their fires. I understand that they don’t see ignorance as a weakness. I’ve experienced first-hand the process by which this group comes to its conclusions and how they become confident in them. I was on the inside.

I do my best to hear someone out even after they carry on with these intellectually bankrupt tactics, but only up to a point. When I’m dismissive of an argument, it’s not that I’m filtering the person out. Chances are high that I’ve heard it before or said it before when I was on their side of the line years ago. Unfortunately for the person in question and their children for generations to come, they think that because nobody is interested in hearing their thoughtless bullshit, it means they won the “debate.” There’s that word again. Maybe they think it makes them sound smarter, I don’t know.

Conclusion.

What information caused me to turn? Everything and nothing. There simply was no one revelation that set me down the path. The pivotal moment was when I decided to listen. That’s really all it took. I’m not embellishing or romanticizing it at all; it was difficult, but I was weary. What followed was even more difficult, made me forget who I was and left me wondering whether there was anything I was ever supposed to do.

What happened led to my ability to empathize and recognize a bit more clearly the struggle and complexity that is the human condition. Did I become a “better person” as a result of everything? Maybe. Who can say? But it did give me a desire to do good by my fellow man and try to make the world a better place. That should count for something, right?

I’m not even sure why I bothered to spend all this time writing about it. I doubt my “unique insight” will help at all. After all the people I’ve dealt with on the right, I find it hard not to believe there’s truth in the idea that it might actually take an odyssey like mine to achieve the same realizations. That’s a nice way of saying “you can’t reason with these people.” What they call “news” involves two people yelling at each other, where the one yelling the loudest is usually the host of the show and thereby the winner. Maybe I lack the vision necessary to see how this will help influence people, but good luck to those who try.

Dumb. Ass. Fundies. That answer your question?

Really though. These people are so intent on spreading their narrow version of Christianity that they forget to actually, y’know, act like a Christian. One of the biggest mysteries of fundamentalist thinking is that voting Republican and maintaining a neo-conservative philosophy somehow equates to Christ-like behavior.

The Republican Party has been getting the Fundamentalist vote for years. I could attempt to make them look like total loons by acting as if there’s some big mystery behind the phenomenon, “who knows why they would ever vote for a Republican considering x, y and z.” But I know why and so do you.

Abortion is the number one reason why fundies choose the Republican Party. They see it as killing innocent babies. As a Humanist, I agree that abortion is an ugly thing, something we should acknowledge with shame. Also, from a Humanist perspective, I believe that if there are means by which to end or avert human suffering, we ought not dispose of them. In my opinion, the largest loss stemming from the practice of birth-control abortion is the sacrifice of responsibility on the altar of hedonism. Moreso, there are certain instances when even a fundie can justify the procedure. Suffice it to say, I understand why this is an issue and, you should know, I typically refuse to take part in abortion discussions and rarely state my opinions on it because I do not see it as a morally black-and-white issue.

Second to abortion is the issue of Gay Marriage, which is really a non-issue since nobody is requiring a church’s blessing in creating a civil union, which makes it a civil rights issue instead of a religious one–and, now that I think about it, really makes the phrase “gay marriage” sort of a misnomer, doesn’t it. Thus, we can conclude, the only reason they’re still against it is because of bigotry, not the sanctity of their Religion. Otherwise they’d be pressing to make Islam and Hinduism and all other “false religions” illegal, since “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” This one is pretty black and white.

(Yes, I realize that they both worship the same god. Fundies may not be aware of it, but even ones that do know that Yahweh, Jehovah and Allah are all the same guy, they typically won’t admit it and denounce Allah as false. DAF.)

Two issues keep the fundie vote in the GOP. Of course, like most issues that are pivotal for the politically naive, these are little more than campaign platforms to be re-elected on. Rarely do you see any of these “pro life/sanctity of marriage” candidates actively pursuing the issues which got them elected.

There are a few bible verses that one could use to justify their pro-life stance based on their religion. Civil Unions, on the other hand, aren’t mentioned. All the good book really has to say about homosexuality is “don’t be gay.”

Now let’s take a look at all the reasons why fundamentalists shouldn’t support the Republican party. Who wants to make bets on whether there are more reasons to vote against them?

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” - Mark 10:25

The bible mentions that Jesus is a consistent supporter of the poor. When it comes to who gets into heaven, he clearly states that the rich are less likely than the poor and yet… fundies still vote Republican. The GOP has consistently been the party of the wealthy and the party of big business. They have been consistent in anti-worker, anti-poor policies and tax cuts which give the top 5% earners disproportionately large breaks when they don’t need the extra money in the first place–they’re already friggin rich! And Republicans, good Christian Republicans, attempt to block any legislation that benefits the other 95% of society if it threatens to cut into the profits of the upper crust.

“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.” - Matthew 6:5

If fundies interpret the bible as literally as possible, why do televangelists continue to prosper, and why do “Christian values” politicians who pray in public and make a show out of their faith continue to get elected? In a previous Fundie Week entry, one commenter complained on being challenged on her faith, even though she confessed it. I characterized it as a holy pissing contest. Jesus says: “Ye who try to out-holy thy neighbor, fuck thee off.”

Maybe he didn’t put it that way, but he did make it pretty clear that there is not to be competition in this area. There might be an exception when it comes to doing good deeds for the sake of doing them.

The most compelling argument against Christian Republicanism originates from a familiar Christian saying: What Would Jesus Do? So fundies, I’m going to wrap this up with a list of things you ought to ask yourself before going to the polls this November. Ready?

Torture: WWJD?
Pre-emptive War: WWJD?
Driving people into poverty while the rich prosper: WWJD?
Ignoring the needs of the poor: WWJD?
Death penalty: WWJD?
Jailing people without trial: WWJD?
Lying: WWJD?
Guns: WWJD?

Abortion: WWJD?
Gay Marriage WWJD?

That’s 8 out of 10 questions that, when answered according to biblical teachings, would compel a Christian to vote Democrat, not Republican. Does anybody still wonder why I think fundies are dumbasses?

Repeat after me:

Christian science is bullshit.
Christian science is bullshit.
Christian science is bullshit.

That’s a lower-case ’s’, by the way. The philosophical Christian Science and the “Church of Christ, Scientist” aren’t out in force trying to alter our laws. They’re much too busy pretending to heal people.

Introduction - About CS

“Christian science” is a rather misleading name for the category. Really, the only things it deals with are the theory of evolution and creationism. Occasionally there’s a wild conspiracy theory about the Flood/Noah’s Ark, the Ark of the Covenant or the Walls of Jericho. Everything else in this category is just regular science with “because God made it that way” thrown in every now and then.

Unlike regular science, which relies on the scientific method to gain empirical data in proving or disproving a hypothesis surrounding a theory, Christian science or “Creationism” interprets the bible according to varying degrees of literalism, then thinks up scientific explanations for the events therein.

The direct result of such a presumptive model of research is that it assumes the theory is correct or absolute, which means that only evidence which supports this theory can be admitted. Evidence which does not support, or even contradicts the theory is discarded or ignored, even when the evidence indicates another hypothesis or theory entirely.

We can see where this type of reasoning would lead if applied to, say, our legal system in which a murderous man is presumed innocent, but any evidence that suggests a guilty verdict is discarded from the case. It’s good for the man, but not so good for the rest of society. This is what I’m getting at: Creationism and other self-styled Christian sciences are great for Christianity, but not so great for the rest of us.

Imagine if the theory of evolution never existed. Would Gregor Mendel have discovered inheritence factors or would he have found them relevant? Had he not discovered them, there would be no reason to discover chromosomes, genes or DNA. Under the guidance of Christian science and their Creationism, we wouldn’t have the understanding of the body or of microbiology to create antibiotics and vaccines, or medicines to treat our diseases, all of which have saved lives, extended life, and made life easier for those who suffer.

Christian scientists would have prevented it because it’s not in the bible.

Would they have, if they’d known the good that would come of it? Possibly. But they didn’t know what would come of it–they were fighting it even then! They think they know what the end result will be, but they don’t. Starting with Darwin and ending with modern life science and medicine, can you imagine what we could have accomplished without all the setbacks by religious hostility?

Creationists claim that God created everything as it exists today but ignore the fossil record. They say the earth is no older than 15,000 years (many say it’s as few as 6,000 years) but ignore carbon dating and all the information stored in a stratigraphic column, as well as the knowledge that stars are millions of light-years away, but we can still see them shining. How can this be considered science?

It can’t, and the creationists know it. Instead of defending their methods, they carry on the long tradition of attacking actual science to make their views seem less… insane.

Unnatural Selection - Creationism vs. Evolution

Might as well get this one out of the way. Evolution. Fundies hate anything that has to do with Darwin, so they attempt to break evolution into a number of parts and attack them separately, drawing conclusions between them… and demonstrate an amazing lack of understanding about them in the process. According to them, nobody was around to observe “evolution,” so it must not exist.

Mutation is a popular target for scrutiny. The creationists say that if mutations exist, there should be millions and millions of examples in the fossil record and no missing links whatsoever. They’ll say that every now and then a human should give birth to a monkey, and vice versa. Why aren’t people occasionally born with wings? They say this is proof that evolution is wrong and creationism is right. There’s no room for more than one possibility in Christian “science.” It’s God or bust.

Another popular target of attack is natural selection/survival of the fittest. The fittest survive. They get the breeding rights, the food, the land. I’m not sure how this is incompatible with Christianity, but for some reason it’s still a target.

Then there are all the outright silly claims of debunkery such as the one where if evolution is true, we should find life randomly appearing all around us. One video I recall has people who weren’t even biologists saying that “the food industry counts on evolution being false” and that “every once in awhile, we should be able to open a jar of peanut butter and find life.” The man then opens the jar and says something like,”nope, no life here.”

Thing is, we do see new life coming into existence every single day. I’ve heard that thousands are discovered daily. Just because you can’t see it with the naked eye doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I mean, seriously, do they expect a worm to randomly come together with all its parts and complex systems in working order inside a jar of peanut butter?

Is it so surprising that literal-minded creationists would attack evolution in such ways? I think not.

Not So Fast! - A Thinking Man’s Retort

Nobody was around to observe Creation, so it must have just been made up by guys who wrote it down in a book. We can actually observe evolution: through a microscope. Because of the extremely high rate of reproduction, viruses and other microbes provide a microcosm of evolution at work. Resistance to immunity, changing from fluid transmission to airborne transmission… is this not the very definition of evolution? Oh, that’s right. We didn’t “see” apes turn into humans.

First off, you don’t have to be present at the first time an event occurs to view it. That’s what a lab is for. Scientists will attempt to simulate the conditions that are believed to have surrounded the event in question. They use what they already know and build upon it, then draw from that knowledge to help explain other things. Christian science, however, uses deceptive reasoning and half truths–of course there will be millions upon millions of transitional fossils if everything that dies becomes fossilized. But it doesn’t work that way. Anyone who thinks about the claim for five minutes can easily reach such a realization.

Want to figure out our origins? Look around you.

“What were conditions like on earth millions of years ago? Let’s look at the rock layers. Ah, traces of meteoric dust in this layer, a meteor must have hit earth during this time. Ah, fossils also exist in and above this layer. We hypothesize that this meteor may have had an impact on environmental conditions. Indeed, we see an increase in deadly chemicals that must have surrounded the air during this period. No bones of mammals have been found in this layer, so we hypothesize that they must not have existed yet.”

Easy enough to follow, right? While this may be a hypothetical train of thought, it’s all based on truth. We can tell when Ice Ages happened, when the air was hot and windy or wet and calm. There are actually layers or rock and sediment we can observe which actually has thinks like meteoric dust settled within it. They’ve used layers of of ice in the polar ice caps in the same way.

But if we are to believe the young-earth creationists, for that dust to get there a meteor must have struck sometime in the past 6000-10000 years–one big enough to leave the same type of dust in the same layer of rock found all over the planet… and it wasn’t mentioned in any oral or written history. Or, maybe they’ll claim that God made it that way. For what? Why have meteoric substances buried between layers of rock meters and meters below the surface?

When they don’t have the answer, they say “God works in mysterious ways,” or “nobody fully understands God’s plan.” In other words,”You stumped us, so we’re going to stop using our Christian science and instead rely on something that is unfalsifiable by science,” which means that it can’t be tested by experiment.

Seems their science only works when it suits them, doesn’t it? Someone ought to tell them that their children are mutants. The overall process involving mutations is that they effect the organism gradually over a very long period of time, thus making arguments such as “why aren’t humans sometimes born with wings” or “why don’t monkeys give birth to humans once in awhile” become non sequitur, almost parodical. Mutations happen during conception every single time. The DNA is changed; that’s a mutation. Otherwise we’d be autosexuals who didn’t need partners to reproduce; we’d just make clones of ourselves.

“Why wouldn’t a monkey give birth to a human, since humans are the next step in evolution, or for that matter, if survival of the fittest is true, then why are monkeys still around?” Obviously there was a genetic split somewhere. Since not every ape breeds with every other ape, evolution is not going to take place at the same pace or even in the same direction among a common species. There’s no reason to believe that apes from Africa would have a common evolutionary path with apes from South America. Look at the differences between tigers and bobcats. Both are kitties, both have fur and claws, but they’re different enough to make a distinction between them. They might as well ask why humans and whales don’t look the same, or why fish don’t sometimes flop out of bird eggs.

So far, here’s the list of some of the tools and evidence each side has:

Science: the fossil record, land formations, laboratories, telescopes, radiocarbon dating, rock layers, geology, dinosaurs, DNA, biology, microscopes, physics, microbiology, chemistry, reason, college degrees and science careers, credibility.

Creationism: the Bible, people who aren’t scientists and believe in the Bible.

The truth is, all this is futile. This whole blog, this whole debate. No matter how much proof you have, they will ignore it. Fail to explain the most minute thing, suddenly there’s a gap that only an all-powerful god can fill. But besides that, creationists can just lie about evolution to debunk it.

The Slyentific Method - Christians on Science.

Science, as I mentioned earlier, relies on the scientific method. The scientific method is a process by which something is studied then has a hypothesis formulated around it, which is tested by empirical means.

Creationists hear this definition and immediately jump up and say you can’t empirically test evolution. They say that people weren’t around back then, and there definitely weren’t scientists who knew what evolution was, so therefore the theory cannot be proven. Because there’s nobody around to watch evolution as it happens, fundies triumphantly claim that it is “bad science.” Even though, as I pointed out earlier, we can and do view it.

Now, the fundies are turning the tables and saying that it’s not Creationism that takes faith, it’s the theory of evolution that takes it. Instead, they argue, Creationism does not require faith because God communicated it to Man through the Bible. We’ll come back to this point in a moment.

They also try to brand people who believe the Theory of Evolution as “evolutionists” and call secularism a religion. Then they have the audacity to cry “separation of church and state!” while demanding that equal time be given to creationist theories in public classrooms. They say that not accepting creationism as an alternative to evolution is intolerant.

Then there’s the big whopper: that evolution is such a controversial topic, there’s a huge debate among scientists about whether or not it even exists.

WTF?

Whenever a scientist shows skepticism towards evolution or any facet thereof, fundies immediately claim him as a creationist. “See!” they say,”even SCIENTISTS question evolution!” Isn’t it a scientist’s job to be critical? I find it reassuring that scientists question their own findings or the findings of others. More often than not, it helps to confirm the results rather than debunk them.The questioning of evolution has been going on for about 150 years and guess what? It’s still around, going strong as ever.

Keeping creationism out of a science class should be self-explanatory. Science class is for science. God-theories are for church. Maybe the fundies ought to be doing their job as Christians rather than asking the state to do it for them.

Dare I even address the assertion that science is a religion? How can such a comparison even exist when one requires evidence and the other requires faith, respectively? What ought to be asked is why Christians are so hostile to evolution and does it have to do with evidence, or does it have to do with their religion?

Are we to believe that these people disagreed with the theory of evolution based on its merits and simply happened to be Christians? Now that demands faith.

Don’t even get me started on ID, or “Intelligent Design.” ID is another presumptive pseudo-science where instead of saying “God created everything,” it comes from the angle that everything appears to have been designed by an intelligent force or being and guided in its progression. Proponents coyly state things like,”Now, if the intelligent cause turns out to be supernatural, that’s a determination that is outside of science.” Yeah, so is saying things were created by an intelligent source. Unless someone out there has a better word for “supreme being capable of creating the universe and guiding everything in it,” why not call a spade a spade: This is god science, creationism with a new label.

The Breakdown - Christian Science is Bullshit.

The paranoia surrounding science, particularly the theory of evolution and origins of the universe, is silly. The idea that science wants to trick people or force them to think a certain way, or tell people they have to make a choice,”us or them,” is ridiculous. Saying that scientists aren’t looking into creation as an alternative means they’re afraid of what they might find is nonsense and shows a lack of understanding.

Science is neutral. It doesn’t give a damn about religion. In fact, letting religion guide their findings is the very definition of “bad science” and should be avoided at all costs! Fortunately for the rest of us, scientific conclusions are based on evidence, not opinion. When fundies complain that science is trying to stifle their opinions, they’re wrong. Uninformed opinions without evidence that are made by people who either A) aren’t scientists or B) don’t have a degree in the field of science they’re criticizing–they have no place in science. We’re not trying to silence you, we’re simply ignoring you and hoping you’ll take the hint.

But that’s not to say that science claims god doesn’t exist, mainly because there’s no way to prove it, hence why it is not considered scientific to make such a claim. Yet, if at the apex of human knowledge and understanding we do indeed discover that there’s a god (or something) that created it all, awesome. Science discovers God. The difference in credibility is that science will have proof to back up their claim, while creationists and ID theorists will still have none.

You see, even if Christian scientists are proven to have been right all along in their conclusion, it does not, by extension, automatically justify their methods. If someone is on trial for a crime, killing all the witnesses is not the right way to reach a ‘not guilty’ verdict, even if the defendant really is innocent.

What fundamentalist Christians need to realize is that science does not have a Secret Agenda of Evil. It is not out to “get” them. Politicians and activists may reference scientific evidence to support their causes, but that does not mean science is altering the results or making bogus claims to push an agenda.

Another ridiculous claim is that most scientists are atheists, and evolution is the only way that atheism can be true (more of the same crappy reasoning that it can only be one or the other). They say that evolutionary science is really a conspiracy by atheists to justify their “religion” of not believing in God. Outrageous!

First off, there doesn’t need to be justification for atheism, especially not to holier-than-thou pharisees like the Religious Right. What ought to be justified is how people are allowed to lie like this and still be taken seriously by our courts and legislatures.

Science is not the enemy of Christianity. Nobody is asking anybody to abandon their faith in God. In fact, the ones who say we must make a choice are the fundies! “Either you believe in God or you believe in Man.” It can only be one or the other? And moreover, who gave you bastards the authority to judge such things? It wasn’t God, and it sure as hell wasn’t us.

A Compromise - Science and Religion in Harmony.

Evolution is perfectly compatible with Christianity. So is the Big Bang theory, for that matter. The Bible said that God created Man, but didn’t go into much detail. The Bible also says that God created the universe and BANG; the universe is created. See, fundies? This is your trump card. Will you play it?

My guess is no. As our knowledge and understanding of the world’s complexity expanded, our superstitious explanations should have naturally declined. Instead of seeing stories in the bible as allegorical comparisons designed to teach us a lesson (think “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”), they’re being interpreted as literal. When people cling to the bible as being a completely accurate transcription of how things happened, they tend to lose the meaning of the stories and the lessons they attempt to teach us. Didn’t Jesus speak in parables? Why would the rest of the bible be much different? Look at Revelations. Most end-times people I’ve encountered regard the book as something that is open to interpretation, not something that is being described in precise detail.

Some atheists make the mistake of labeling everything in the bible as false by association, lumping the mythical side of Christianity with the side that tries to convey a message to help us get along in life. They overlook the wisdom that can be found in many biblical stories. Honestly? They’re missing out.

But why wouldn’t they lump it together? The fundies do it. They’ll focus so much on the details that they end up missing the forest for the trees. Which is more important: whether or not a woman was actually healed by touching Jesus, or the moral about how forgiveness can help to set things right? Do you see what I’m getting at? Think about it.

I’ve come up with a Deistic proposal for fundies to follow. Why isn’t it aimed at “evolutionists,” you ask? Because evolution is playing nice and not trying to destroy Christianity. Maybe someday they’ll return the favor.

First, instead of trying to return to the dark ages, fundies ought to thank their Creator for giving humans brains that are capable of figuring out and understanding how his creations work. Instead of fighting science and characterizing it as a trick by Satan, you should thank all the brilliant people out there who, because of things such as the theory of evolution, were able to establish other branches of science that have led to unprecedented improvements in our ability to prevent and treat disease, prolong life, and save life when it’s endangered.

How about taking the theory of evolution at face value: not as an attack on the Christian faith, but as an imperfect model to help scientists understand the world and how it works. Instead of seeing it as having religious grounds, maybe you ought to at least try to look at it as a neutral area of study that seeks neither to confirm nor deny the existence of God or the validity of your religion.

It’s also time to start taking the bible at face value and recognize the folly of interpreting every line literally while trying to prove it with science, inadvertently driving people away from God while eradicating the fundamental tenet of Christianity: faith.

Is this so unreasonable?

In Closing…

Fundies, it’s time to start doing your job as Christians and start influencing people by setting a good example rather than attacking them for things that you don’t know much about either. Maybe you’ll be such a sparkling example of the love of Christ that you’ll convince others to come to church and join you. Then, you can start winning souls for Jesus like the bible commands instead of trying to mingle science with religion, which just makes people write you off as crazy.

What you could do is follow the example of non-fundie Christians out there who follow the teachings of Jesus, but don’t seem to give a shit one way or the other when it comes to scientific explanations of spiritual events or origins. I’m merely speculating at this point, but maybe these people are enlightened in that they realize how pointless origins really are. Where we came from is not nearly as important as the fact that we are here now and must learn to live together in peace.

How about it, fundies?

An etiquette guide for the religious?

Why am I helping the fundies? I’m glad you asked. I got Jesused again by the neighbors today, only this time they sent their daughter to give me “you’re going to hell” literature. Seems I was right–we didn’t fool them after all. Anyway, the tackiness of the approach struck me again.

Tip #1: Sincerity - Be genuine for once.

For starters, if you’re going to be gung-ho about your religion try introducing yourself to the person you’re trying to convert. My family and I have been “witnessed” to twice by the neighbors, both times by surprise, and we don’t even know their fucking names.

Start out with,”Hey, my name is Joe.” The idea is not revolutionary. In fact, most normal people introduce themselves when they first meet somebody. I’ve always found that people are more receptive to “Hello” than “Accept Jesus or you’ll burn in hell.”

Tip #2: Patience - Good things come to those who wait

Alright, now you’ve sniffed each other’s butt, figuratively speaking. Do you go straight into your holy sales pitch? NO!

Now that you’ve established contact with your target, stay as far away from the topic of religion as you can. There are three things you never talk about with people you don’t know well: sex, politics and religion. Especially religion. This is a very touchy subject for many people. If your goal is to make the other person avoid you from now until Judgment Day, ignore what I’ve just said.

A friend of mine recently brought his girlfriend from overseas to meet his father. He introduced himself, but completely failed tip 2. Shortly after they arrived, he pulled out a brand new bible and handed it to her as a gift. My friend, knowing what his father is like but still not expecting this, looked for any reason he could to get the hell out of there.

Get to know the person. There are plenty of things you can find out just by talking to them. Don’t ask them what church they go to or whether they’re on “the winning team.” Be a friend. You can’t convert people by badgering them about their beliefs.

Tip #3: Humility - Do us all a favor and shut up.

Countless are the times I’ve heard fundamentalists interject “God” or “Jesus” or some random fundie catchphrase unexpectedly and without context. It’s almost as if they’re attempting to insert subliminal messages into the conversation. “We’ve been blessed, praise Jesus, to have so many pens lying around here.”

*record scratch* WHAT? Yes, it is a miraculous event! Jesus had nothing better to do with his eternity and powers so he focused them on guiding the fates of the universe to ensure that you were well stocked on pens.

Talking like a fanatic makes less-religious and non-religious people very uncomfortable. Does this serve your interests? I didn’t think so either. The only purpose this serves is establishing street cred with other holy rollers.

Tip #4: Conversion - The art of preaching without preaching.

As I said yesterday, the best way to win people over is by being genuine and kind to others. I’ve often heard fundamentalists rail the Catholic Church for their practice of Christ-worship, calling it a system that is based on good works instead of faith.

First, you’re not impressing anybody by condemning others for believing in god differently than you do. Second, you’re forgetting something: “You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.” James 2:24

I think what bothers the irreligious most about outspoken fundamentalists has to do with this. You try selling your religion as one that only requires faith… then many of you practice it in such a way. Easy as pie! All I need to do is “accept Jesus,” whatever that means, and I’m home free! Don’t need to put any time or effort into it, I’m as good as can be.

To me, that gives one a license to sin, not a deterrent. “Well I’m saved so I can do whatever I want because Jesus will forgive me.” Good deeds are a required part of Christianity as said in the doctrine. Having faith is not enough; you must actually do something that shows your faith. And I’m not talking about picking up poisonous snakes and dancing with them.

If you people do give a shit about “saving people’s souls,” maybe it’s time to get off your ass and actually practice your religion the way it commands. There’s not a damn thing you can do to convert someone who isn’t already seeking some form of acceptance. People come to faith of their own means and volition, not by someone forcing them to. Doing the things you’re supposed to do as a Christian is the best way to get people to want your values. Requiring their kids to pray to your god at school is not one of them.

Good luck.

Introduction

Welcome to Fundie Week 2008! By now you’re probably wondering what bug crawled up my ass to give me cause to dedicate an entire week of blogging to fundies. Well, For months I’ve been toying with ideas to address the issue of fundamental Christianity and its impact. I just haven’t had the motivation.

Then, last week, I was called intolerant and fearful by a typical fundie for saying that Creationism belongs in a church, not a classroom.

Many of my friends and readers know me as being openly hostile to religion. I’m tolerant of it, but I’ve run out of patience with certain elements of it in several faiths. Why am I not targeting radical Islamists this week? Well, I’d written a lengthy blog about it, but I apparently missed it while transferring everything from my old host. There was also one about fundies and the election.

The reason Christianity is in the spotlight is, well, American Muslims aren’t trying to turn us into a theocracy while Christian fundies are trying desperately to make their beliefs into law, even going so far as to lie about being founded as a Christian nation, something I’ll be covering later this week. By the way, I sometimes use the name “Jesus” as a verb. You’ll understand when you see it.

Anyway, introduction over. Here’s the entry for Day 1. Enjoy.

A Secular View

I’m of the belief that people ought to be able to practice their religion freely, but not to the point where it involves the subjugation or oppression of others, both those within the religion and beyond it. I do not believe people should be told how to practice their faith until it meets this condition.

I also believe that it is Christianity’s mission to spread love rather than hate; to be charitable, to love and accept without preconditions. I think living in such a way sets such an example that makes others want to emulate it as well as the most effective way to convince people to keep their faith.

As such, I wouldn’t dare question the positive impact or significance of Christianity in the greater human story, nor would I challenge the message of love and acceptance it seeks to spread. To me, Christians who practice their faith according to these instructions are among the most admirable people in this society.

So what is this all about, anyway? What do I mean by “fundie?” The term is shorthand for “Fundamentalist Christian.” Fundamentalists are traditionally characterized by their belief that the bible is completely infallible (and even try using science to prove it), their active roles in politics, activism on certain social issues such as abortion, as well as aggressive attempts to make Christian beliefs a mandated part of public institutions (prayer in schools, creationism/ID taught alongside or replacing evolution in educational curriculum, religious symbols on public property, etc.). They’re also known for uncompromisingly supporting for the Republican party and the fanatical rejection of all things deemed “liberal.” They are generally intolerant of secular or otherwise non-Christian thing or ideas.

There are always exceptions to this, but not many.

In short, all of you normal, reasonable Christians out there, don’t get too offended. This isn’t about you. Any fundies out there who read this paragraph and think they’re off the hook, nice try. Quit kidding yourselves–you don’t fit into this category.

I don’t know what’s scarier: fundie behavior or the fact that they see themselves as reasonable. Let’s start with their methods of spreading the gospel.

“And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” - Matthew 4:19

A few days after my family moved into our new house, we received a knock at the door. I was on the couch feeding the baby, so my wife answered it. I heard the whole conversation.

A man from next door had shown up to welcome us to the neighborhood. We’d previously been warned about the neighbors by my mother in law, herself a practicing Christian. These people, she warned, were Baptists, and there was a good chance they’d come over to preach to us.

As soon as I figured out who it was, I knew what to expect. He said welcome to the neighborhood, then immediately went into his speech. With feigned, heartfelt sincerity he eventually asked,”If you die tonight, do you know where your soul will go?” After asking us if we had a church yet, my wife, who thankfully thinks quick on her feet, said we were Methodists and went to a different church across town. The guy sounded disappointed at this, and I haven’t heard from him since. I still don’t know what he looks like.

I don’t think we fooled him, though. The car hasn’t been out of the driveway on a Sunday morning since my last all-nighter on the computer, when I left to restock on cigarettes.

Obviously, the conversation would have gone a bit differently had I answered the door. This is not the first time I’ve been Jesused. Even back in my conservative Christian teen years, these door-to-door salvation salesmen came Jesusing. Even though I’d marked the “saved” box on the newcomer form some places pass out during gatherings, some errant youth pastor’s assistant would come knocking. In hindsight, maybe they wanted a check mark instead of an “x” and needed to verify my standings on the roster of eternal judgment.

In a nutshell, I’m familiar with the speech. Even back then I found myself offended that some guy was invading my space to drill me on my beliefs. Now that I’m a secular humanist, that is, one who adopts Humanistic philosophy but is agnostic in respects to the supernatural, my view on this method of “Jesusing” people is that it is very rude.

As I said in the beginning of this article, the best way to spread faith is to be charitable and loving. What fundies read is to be “fishers of men.” What they don’t seem to catch is the rest of the chapter where Jesus goes around helping people: healing the sick, teaching.

In the next chapter Jesus goes on to give a speech of hope. Blessed are the poor in spirit. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are the peacemakers. And let’s not forget this one:

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” - Matthew 5:16

Remember when I said that living by example is the best way to win people over? I came across this passage long after I wrote that. I wanted to see whether the “Jesusers” were acting according to the bible. I mean, I can’t be too angry at them for knocking on my door to sell me their religion if that’s what it commands.

As it turns out, it isn’t. It’s easy to quote the “fishers of men” verse and put the Jesus-fish on the back of your car. But in doing that while ignoring the rest of what he has to say, the fundies are missing the forest for the trees, aren’t they? Looks like Mr. Christ agrees with me.

Besides that, knocking on someone’s door to Jesus them but disguising it as a friendly welcome to the neighborhood is very tacky, and it makes you come off as fake and insincere. Want to make newcomers receptive to you and perhaps eventually your attempts to convert them? Start by welcoming them to the neighborhood and actually meaning it. Be genuine, because first impressions last. If you come with ulterior motives, I’m infinitely more likely to see you as a fraud than a friend on future occasions.

“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.” - Luke 6:37

Wow, what a proposal! “Be accepting and benevolent to one another.” Can you imagine the age of peace and enlightenment we’d enjoy if people in this country followed this verse?

This is among the most quoted passages I’ve seen used by Christians and non-Christians alike. Usually, when a non-Christian pulls this one out it’s to throw scripture back in the face of a fundie with an axe to grind.

No, there’s no shortage of judgment among the fundamentalists. Everything from gays to scientists have a special place in hell carved out for them, and they’re not shy about repeating it over and over. Wait.. what happened to all that talk about judgment and forgiveness and not condemning each other, or about the merciful being blessed by God?

Don’t want to hold gay wedding ceremonies in church? Fine, that’s your business. Telling the state it can’t declare them a couple while condemning any who are in favor of these rights? Not so much.

From an outside perspective, we don’t see Christian soldiers fighting the holy war against Satan. We see hypocrisy, and that’s never appealing in any situation. And the fact that men like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson could amass such a following and wield such power serves only one purpose: to convince us that we’re right about you fundies and your hypocrisy.

“The Bible is the infallible Word of GOD!” - Fundie slogan.

One of the things that befuddles me is the complete absence of flexibility on this point. Even when you point something out and quote the verses that conflict, they act like they didn’t hear it, or that it doesn’t exist, or they say you’re lying.

For instance, let’s do a little exercise:

“And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.” - Matthew 1:16

“And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli.” - Luke 3:23

So which is it? Last I checked, men don’t give birth and according to fundies it’s a sin for two fathers to raise a child.

Can’t we just accept that, hey, maybe the bible isn’t quite as infallible as we want it to be. There are hundreds of direct contradictions and holy inconsistencies throughout the tome, so either the angelic branch of God Press which does the copy editing needs to hire some better staff, or the bible isn’t a perfect text.

Can’t they just concede this one point? Inconsistencies and contradictions don’t invalidate your whole faith. God-inspired they might be, they were still penned by the hands of men.

And why all the focus on these details anyway? Is the fundamentalist faith so weak that it requires infallibility? Is the conviction they claim so fragile as to need scientific backing? Must faith be instituted by the state and be taught in schools in order for fundies to maintain it?

If not, then why bother with it? Why all the hostility towards secular things, why the demand for religious conformity?

From my perspective, it is the sum total of stubborn ignorance and blind faith of a weak-minded group of people who have no problem thumping their bibles but either haven’t read them or are wholly incapable of comprehending the concepts therein. I dare you to prove me wrong.

From an outside perspective, one which is at least respectful to the message of Jesus, they’re a disgrace to their religion and an embarrassment to their fellow believers. It’s pretty god damn bad when someone with a secular mindset finds more value in the bible’s teachings than those who are so zealous as to eagerly condemn others to hell for not believing the way they want us to believe.

Not all Christians are like this, thankfully. But the ones who are are outspoken and motivated enough in their intolerant crusader mindset to have the ability to overturn elections and, by extension, cause the rest of us to suffer as a result of their ceaseless stupidity. The only solution I can offer is vigilant resistance and constant ridicule, because reason doesn’t work. We tried that already, and if any fundies out there get wind of this week’s roster, I’m sure they’ll be more than willing to give us an example.

In closing, I’d like to take this moment to offer a way out. I’d like it to serve as a reminder not just for fundies, but all Christians. It needs to be said once in awhile to remind them: this is what you’re up against. When you go out into the world and are hurt or confused by its reaction to your beliefs, this is why. When the rest of the world is constantly reminded of the bitter closed-mindedness and hatred that seems to consistently emanate from the religious right, fundamentalists aren’t the only ones who get a bad rap.

If any Christians out there are reading this message, fundamentalist or otherwise, take these words of advice: Love your enemy. Turn the other cheek. Love your neighbor as yourself. When pride comes, then comes shame. Judge not. Condemn not. Forgive. Those of you who actually read the bible might already recognize it.

But then again, maybe I’m just wasting my time: “Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.” - Proverbs 23:9

You heard it right, folks!  Next week we’re going to be have blog posts every day dedicated to fundies.  The main topics we’ll be covering will include Christian Science, the Separation of Church and State, Christians and the GOP, and the Origins of Christianity.  Other, less wordy topics will include a tip sheet on Etiquette for the Religious, A Secular View on Christianity, and how Jesus Was a Liberal.